Nail Bitting Combats

Review: Picross 3D (DS)

2012-02-15T17:32:00.001-08:00

Nintendo's Picross games for the DS perfectly summarize what makes the puzzle better electronically than any other medium. They dole out the puzzles with a flawless difficulty level, and there are hundreds of them - with even more to download and create. They offer rewards based on perfectionism. And now, with the genesis of a 3D picross puzzle, Nintendo's found something extraordinary: a puzzle suited for its platform and no other.

Picross is a simple puzzle of elimination. In the 2D iteration, each row and column has a certain number of blocks that belong - indicating to the player than there are superfluous blocks hidden within. The electronic iterations of this puzzle offer two modes of interaction: the "save this block" button, which makes it impossible to accidentally delete, and then the obvious delete button. The puzzles are made more complicated thanks to a few more advanced mechanics, but the core never changes.

This is what Nintendo is good at, and always has been: to find something useful in the core and then iterate on it so that you're never bored. Their quality has never been more apparent than here, where it's as simple and easy to pinpoint as ever. This game, while as mechanically dry as a collection of word puzzles, still walks away with a distinct personality and, astonishingly enough, no flaws. It's the best iteration of the Picross formula to date, and the execution is perfect.

The 3D version of this puzzle sounds incredibly intimidating, but Picross 3D's expertly designed puzzle path doles out the offerings with moderation, ease, and relaxation. Each level of puzzle contains a small little pool of puzzles to solve, with a minimum to reach the next. The game inserts a desire to move forward by making the next puzzle pool look enticing - the rewards more complex, the puzzle offerings more broad, and a bigger pool to choose from. There's no pressure, but there's also no stagnation.

3D manipulation is part of the tutorial process, and the interface is designed for the DS perfectly. It uses a combination of the face buttons or D-Pad, depending on your hand preference, along with the touch screen. The result requires only a momentary learning curve, but you'll never have to learn it again, even months later. It's incredibly intuitive. Also designed for the DS platform: the clean status updates on the top screen tracking the skill of the user, and the simple yet effective graphics that communicate the puzzle without too much fluff.

The game musters up its flavor through its odd looking duck-block mascot, whose non-verbal exclamations are cute enough to garner at the very least some manner of fondness. In addition, each Picross puzzle contains a discrete object in its core, which the player is whittling down to find. Each is animated and colored, and the results are simple and rewarding.

Picross 3D is an example of masterful iteration on a simple concept. It's simple, but its substantial length and free downloadable content make this a masterpiece of puzzle games. It's minimalist enough for anyone to be able to grasp, and the execution fosters an all-ages environment. It's clean, functional, and delightfully clever, and at its current $15 price point, it's a must-have for everyone.

Review - Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (3DS)

2012-02-13T05:41:00.000-08:00

I hated Ocarina of Time for years without knowing why. Even as a young child my mind was founded on introspection, so my lack of love stood as a particularly painful thorn - why does this happen? I realized later in my life that the Nintendo 64's choppy frame rate caused severe headaches that I let myself off the hook; physical pain stubbornly refutes all arguments. But the release of Ocarina of Time 3D on the Nintendo 3DS gave me a new chance to play an old frienemy, seeing as it lacks the struggling frame rate of the original.

The update brings to the table a keen sense of the original game, and I wouldn't be surprised if the game cart actually held a heavily modified image of the original Nintendo 64 version. The emphasis here is the modifications, which stand out among an overall experience of nostalgia, not revelation. The reason for this game's existence, the 3DS' technical prowess, doesn't go to waste, polishing up the graphics to the point where some entire swaths of land are completely unrecognizable to someone who doesn't have the original memorized.

However, the way in which the unmodified combat, puzzle structure and music all add up, it really does feel like a direct translation rather than a new take on an old game. It's hard to say this is a bad thing, and it's helpful that it looks as good as we want to remember it does. The upgrades are all in the visuals, plus, of course, the 3D, and the game still plays perfectly fine. The only complaint is that the game hasn't been modified for the portable format, so while the adventure is long and suitably inspiring for a new system, it's also not very bite-sized.

The game also shows off the best 3D effects the 3DS has to offer in its brief software launch desert. When the game is cranked up to the maximum 3D effect possible, the result is uncanny and unbelievably gorgeous. Environmental decorations float in and out of the handheld's screen freely while rooms have a distinct and genuinely useful sense of depth that, while gets taken for granted a few hours in, definitely gets missed once it's turned off. For those without a sense of depth or generally cranky charlatans, anti-aliasing is applied in 2D mode making the jagged edges of the slabbed polygons look substantially smoother. It's a nice consolation prize but it's a far cry from the childish wonder inspired by Kokiri Forest in 3D.

The game itself betrays its age only in a few areas, gracefully holding up after a decade. Some of the puzzles are obtuse - worst of all the ones outside of the dungeons - and some of the game mechanics feel dusty compared to later implementations in gaming history, but as a whole the game still feels worth playing and enjoyable. The combat, still executed by the Z Targeting mechanic, feels much smoother and responsive with the faster frame rate and better animations, even if it's not quite as good as later games in the Zelda series. Nobody expected even a game this good not to age at all, and considering its status and relative peers, it's actually quite impressive how much of the original experience is still intact.

The real jaw dropper is what holds up the very best: the game's scope. Once again, it's been beaten by more ambitious successors to its collection of thrones: games became more epic, more cinematic and more environmentally enveloping than Ocarina of Time in only a matter of years after its release. But to see the firework that started many of these trends is sometimes more rewarding, especially when they're so deftly executed in such a early period of 3D graphics. Again the remake helps by replacing the blurry graphics and simple characters, which are the main drawbacks of playing the original hardware. By hiding a few of the aging elements it's easier to see just how big of an impact Ocarina was.

When it's all considered, Ocarina of Time 3D is a triumph - necessarily making the changes to the original that need to be made, but eschewing too much modern sentiment. It rejuvenates our memories of the Nintendo 64 classic by offering a genuine alternative to rose-tinted glasses and incorrect memories. We're allowed to enjoy the game without distraction and with just enough polish to put us right back in front of the television, more than a decade ago, when we first played what gamers now consider a defining game of the medium. Maybe it's not enough in the context of the 3DS' opening notes but in terms of remake execution Ocarina of Time 3D is one of legend, just like the game it emulates.

Moving on

2012-02-13T05:37:00.000-08:00

I deleted the last two blogs because of information that I really don't want public.

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I had been talking for a while about how I wasn't holding myself up to proper standards in many ways, but the largest is blogging. Not that my highest is good or anything (modesty is a special trait in the beginning) but I should be pushing myself to reach my highest, as opposed to posting fragments of ideas that need a few more hours in the oven. Reviews, considerations, dissertations - they all share my best work in vocabulary and specificity. It's time to return to that, exclusively if possible.

In the words of the Eleventh Doctor, "I became too big." Or I considered even my mundane scraps of thought as worthy of publish. I want to put work into every entry. Revise, scrap, consider, reconsider.

Final Notes on PS2 Hard Drive Saga

2012-02-07T06:54:00.000-08:00

So, I've finished getting my games on a hard drive in the PS2, it's done, and now I've reaped the benefits for about a week or two.

Pros
-It does speed up loading a little bit, though not to the degree that the Wii hacking did - that eliminated loading entirely. On the PS2, varies from game to game. Resident Evil 4 is much quicker and pauses for only a second, but Okami shaves off maybe a second at most.
-It's nice to see a list of all of your games and making up your mind on what to play as you're sitting down, as opposed to staring at box art before the system's even turned on.
-No more discs! Exceptions in the cons.
-Getting from boot to game is faster than the Wii's homebrew equivalent.
-Less chances of failure than most fat PS2 models. It saves the DVD laser from overuse.
-Allows me to play imports, such as Final Fantasy XII International.

Cons
-Incompatibility with many games. The only one I own is Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance. The original Sons of Liberty edition works fine, but I don't care for that much. You can still play these games off of the discs, or use an alternate program to boot the image, but the exceptions are bothersome when we're this close to perfection.
-My hard drive isn't particularly reliable, so it's still less reliable than most PS2 Slims.
-You're using a fat PS2 instead of a slim PS2. So it's uglier and uses much more power.
Slim PS2: 10 watts
Late model Fat PS2: 22 watts
Launch Fat PS2: 30 watts
Late model Fat PS2 with hard drive: 32 watts
-It's more expensive than just buying a Slim. Are the benefits worth it? Eh. It was a fun project, I'll give it that.
Slim: $40
Fat: $30 plus Swap Magic ($25) plus network adapter ($15) plus hard drive (free for me)

PS2 hard drive saga finished

2012-01-31T08:05:00.000-08:00

I have acquired everything I need. I have assembled it into a finely crafted package. My PlayStation 2 is now complete. It has a hard drive and games can be played on it.

Impressions are mixed but I haven't had time to really play with it. Load times are reduced but the amount differs from game to game. For example, Okami isn't really improved by more than a few seconds. It must be filling the RAM with info that bottlenecks the loading, because it sure isn't the disc speed.

But it's just nice to have all of my games and I don't even need the discs. Boy, that's just great.

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GOG has some cool new games but I'm waiting for sales. My GOG backlog is already huge.

I like that Deus Ex is on there. I mean, the Steam version is already DRM free, but it'd be nice to have it standardized. Also, an enhanced edition of Witcher 2 on the way.

I still haven't talked about Witcher 2 much. Hrm.

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Witcher 2 is linear. It's very linear at the beginning and opens up a bit. But this is okay, because it's carefully designed for this sort of thing.

It's very pretty. My computer can play a myriad mix of graphical settings at more or less playable frame rates, but the resolution doesn't matter too much. I aimed for graphical clarity. I tried to avoid information overload, which I get with games that clutter the frame with effects, and color distortion, which every game likes to use these days. The end result is great looking: nothing too fancy, but still handsome. The art design goes a long way.

The story is pretty good, though the series may be held back by its camera angled conversations. Witcher, Bioware and Bethesda all do a specific cut back and forth between speakers in their presentation of the conversations, and while it generally looks nice, it's a little boring and comes off as a replacement for the codec from Metal Gear Solid. Writing is good, and the conversations are interesting.

(Part 2: several hours later)

Anyway. The combat's better than the original, and the difficulty levels are pretty well tuned after the many, many patches. Now it's pretty reasonable and you have many options for each encounter. Pretty great stuff.

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I like the Nintendo 3D Show on 3DS. They sometimes show redundant footage of games, but they always show fun things in 3D. I laughed at the car wash in the latest episode, proving I'm dumb.

$40 is too much right now, so I'm not buying any 3DS games for a bit. In fact, I'm going to yet again make my "I won't buy anything for a bit" pacts, which is foolhardy but well intentioned.

I do want Resident Evil though. And Kid Icarus and MGS3:3D in March. So, options. My portable games usually get more mileage, despite me having the best PS2 setup ever.

The eBook Market

2012-01-29T07:44:00.000-08:00

The book publishers are running about like men about to get their heads chopped off after being sentenced to death. I don't say this often, but goodness gracious, this is quite stupid.

Yes, stupid. They're being stupid. They're afraid of Amazon taking over their business, so what do they do? Plug their ears, sing "LALALALA" while they continuously hit the refresh button on their web browsers, pointed directly at Barnes and Noble's stock prices.

See, the book publishers have two choices:

1) Bitterly cling to life aboard a business plan that has become less relevant thanks to its luxurious and expensive prices and items. Consumer demand is down. Raise prices to compensate. Deliver inferior digital goods and bitterly complain about doing so whever you get the chance.

or

2) Take a look at Amazon, fill niches (that are huge at this point, mind you) that they don't fill, and beat them at their own game.

Amazon's got weaknesses. Their platform isn't perfect; even everyday consumers of the Kindle store can tell it's not portable, that if they want a different eBook reader they'll be out of luck. So what you do is you make a new eBook store that's platform agnostic, DRM-free, and has lots and lots of sales. The last one worked for Steam, and the former two worked for Amazon MP3.

Platform agnostic eBook formats should be more important. the market right now is turbulent. To be honest, I would not be surprised if Amazon isn't in the eBooks in ten years - they're taking a lot of losses and in the end it might not even pay off. We wouldn't know how well they're doing - they won't tell us - but something tells me it might not be good enough. Which is why it's important to have lots of formats. Or instead, EPUB and MOBI - because Amazon can't be bothered to support the industry standard open format. Sounds like another company we know.

Nobody's thinking about longevity with these books, even though we've already gone through this with music and with games. Everyone forget so quickly what happens when you buy into a platform like iTunes. They open up eventually, but you still need to pay more money for the privilege. It's amazing that Amazon, after being so open in the past, is suddenly DRM-ing it up and making themselves a walled garden.

I'm not an amazing hacker. I just followed a few quick and easy steps, and now I have a program that breaks the DRM from every Amazon book I buy. Breaking eBook DRM is easier than music or movie DRM - it's text. It's pitifully easy. But most people won't do it, so you're just pissing them off.

A different platform that could be offered would have open, easy to use book formats with reduced prices if you want a physical version as well. Sure, Amazon has you beat with the "one click book purchase" stuff. But you can make it three clicks, maybe even two. And you can have Amazon beat by saying, "we're not going to force you to choose between us and everybody else like Amazon - we're going to give you the entire world." Deliver on it. Update constantly. Improve.

Amazon's got a nice store front but they are not impossible to beat. They have weaknesses. Their store is very, very poorly designed, with next to no quality assurance and lots of garbage books hiding in the corners. It's sometimes hard to find what you want. It's very possible to improve on the experience. When customers complain about typos and poor layouts of content, change it. when customers don't react well to certain types of content, focus elsewhere.

But instead we have the book publishers simply yelling about their own deaths while not acting on them. They ignore customer demands and raise prices, inflict greater limitations on the content they sell, and generally simply try and pretend that this whole thing simply won't happen. "It's all a fad," they think to themselves unconvincingly. "It will all pass." But it won't, we're here now, and pretending that there's no way forward is just about the stupidest thing you can do.

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Other thoughts:

Television is awful most of the time. And media influences us in many ways.

I mentioned on the blog yesterday that Sherlock is partially changing what I want to be. Is that healthy? The show, on a message level, comes off as an intellectual Cribs. "Well this is my smartness level, and it's this amazing fantasy that no one can manage to hit." No wonder I feel inadequate when I watch it. The truth is I will never be as rich as a Cribs person and I will never be as smart as Sherlock. They're both fantasies.

How TV Ruined Your Life by Charlie Brooker is good. He's funny. Here's the episode about love.

Reviews of Smart Things: BBC Sherlock and Anathem

2012-01-26T13:38:00.000-08:00

Anathem is a novel written by Neal Stephenson, who across two books has managed to become one of my favorite living authors. He also wrote Snow Crash, the rip-roaring samurai western cyberpunk thriller that read like a rollercoaster that taught you a thesis on hacker culture, language theory, how ideas (both good and bad) spread like computer viruses, and the religious concept of "I say, which makes it so" in deities. Constantly funny and outwitting his audience in the same sentence, his books are indescribably smart and grip the medium of a novel with both hands, embracing it for all its worth.

Anathem is a long novel, one that travels vast amounts of landmass in the later two thirds, but in the first third concerns itself with the daily troubles of Fraa Erasmus, a monk living in a secluded order of monks who study math, logic, and philosophy in rigorous focus. Stephenson manages to side-step trying to draw parallels to any religious sect and as such the order comes off, not as a statement of religion, but a statement of intellectual stimulation. The themes draw from the vapid superficiality of modern society in comparison to the majesty of logical debate - both in personal fulfillment, but also in social progress. In the risk of bias, I will state that the thesis is hard to argue with, but it's only one of the dozens of topics the book considers.

The book starts off slow, which is preferred. Unlike, for example, Harry Potter, who has an equally mysterious scholarly institution that needs to be explained to the audience, we are not presented with any characters who don't know what's going on. Thus, the challenge of the first third of the book is to keep up with the plot, which enjoys making drastic and unexpected right turns, and maintaining an understanding of the rules and labyrinthine establishments that were already at play long before the book began. It uses lots of fictional language, but it's manageable with the glossary at the end of the book combined with context.

The book never quite approaches "fast paced," even though there are some absolutely mind-blowing plot twists, and the plot always hooks and drags you forward through the slower, quieter parts. The plot on a macro level is very human in that it's not necessarily an action movie roller coaster - characters move about the board in very understandable ways an it all seems very logical, abet slow at times. Anathem uses this as an advantage by establishing philosophical or theoretical concepts that will become important later on. Even in these moments, though, the plot is still fantastic and will leave you gasping for more every time. The thrill of the unpredictability is fantastic here. Don't spoil a single thing.

I doubt there's any better praise than saying that Anathem left me hungry for more knowledge. It made me eager to sit and puzzle over concepts that characters discussed and comprehend what was at stake, even at the very beginning. The concepts are all presented perfectly, but I wouldn't call the material entirely approachable. This is extremely high level reading. And it's awesome. It's rewarding. It's epic. It spans so much distance and time and events that it's nearly breathtaking. I loved every page.

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BBC hosted a reinvention of Sherlock Holmes, appropriately titled Sherlock. Each season of this show is comprised of three movie-length episodes, around the 80 minute mark, allowing more depth in the mystery and a more careful quality assurance. There are currently six episodes available, two seasons with three episodes each, and I would rate only one episode as weak (S1E2).

The title role is played by Benedict Cumberbatch, a tall, long-faced, curly-haired man with the voice and acting confidence of Alan Rickman, with a more risky boyishness at the fringes. His portrayal of the character is both clever and insightful - logically overconfident, interested only in working his mind, and sophisticated in his elements - and it works well with the mysteries. It's hard to not want to look for similarities in the portrayal here, and it's there, but the Doyle originals are better heard in the BBC edition as opposed to the CGI-heavy blockbuster American action movies. They've modernized it, but the skeleton is still intact; there's enough surprises for Doyle fans, but it's still surprisingly faithful.

Everything else that surrounds these main points is just about perfect. Martin Freeman spends much of his time staring out of taxi windows worriedly, as his character (Watson) would likely do in a modern adaption. The police force gets some amusing characterization, but little depth, which is perfectly fine. The villains, such as the obvious inclusion of Moriarty, are well chosen and are easy to hate. The production of the episodes, however, are the star of the show, with fantastic lighting, staging, and location. The show simply prints text messages, emails, and mental gymnastics on the scene as they occur, which smooths out the camera a lot and makes cutting to a cell phone screen outright passe.

My one reservation is the same I have with the also Steven-Moffat-run Doctor Who series five and six: it interprets the main characters too much, in too obvious ways. Psychoanalysis is an amusing foil to see how certain characters react, I admit. But both shows have been spending far too much time (usually plot points) literally telling the audience - and the character themselves, which never ends in an interesting reaction - what the character represents and how we should interpret them. I see this as a sign of a show that takes itself a little bit too seriously, and it's been an overused device since The Dark Knight popularized it. Not that it's outright bad, it's just remarkably unsubtle for an otherwise intelligent show.

My initial feelings were a little more mixed when it was merely establishing the characters alone, but the characters eventually become deeper and the relationships become more complex, which make the show far more interesting. Examples would include Sherlock's sexuality, which is not as simple as it seems (no, he's not gay) - the people around him tell us how he sees other people. It's the show's relationships that are the most engaging, because they reflect far more than the characters alone would show. They bring out the best acting on television today, which every cast member is capable of delivering, and it underlines the stakes of whatever happens to be the plot of the episode.

I'm positive. Good show. Now, don't bother watching it for about a year or so, because you want to be mollified by the dramatic cliffhanger that the final episode left us on. That's the negative of the movie-structured television show, as fantastic as it's proved to be: we'll be waiting a long time. But I have no doubt it will be worth it.

The Graphics Blog

2012-01-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

I drove through the racing games of the ages this evening, while cruising to the beautiful sounds of R4: Ridge Racer Type 4's soundtrack (aka Direct Audio). The music makes all driving better. I'd put it in my car if the snow wasn't so terrible.

Ridge Racer 1 looks undeniably old, yeah. The demo included with R4's release has the original plus a "turbo" mode, which runs with better textures and a 60 frames per second rate. Yeah, it's nice. I haven't seen that many PS1 games run at that speed, so even if its a limited demo, it's impressive. Unfortunately the game looks old as hell and sometimes it's even hard to make out which way the track curves ahead, due to the small resolution and blurry textures.

Ridge Racer Type 4 is a lot more favorable. The tracks are better designed, and there's actual calculated lighting going on (as seen by the shadows falling on the cars). It's primitive compared to later efforts, but it looks great compared to the original. The game is held back by the pop-in of various objects and the course itself is sometimes included in this. Still, it's about the best I've seen a PS1 game look.

Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec represents, if not the very first breath of the PS2, then one of the first dozen. It seems like the developers were just piling on everything they had access to, which is something that defines a lot of launch games. The shadowing and the lighting is light years beyond the PS1's capabilities, and there's only a few instances of pop-in - you have to actively look for it. Some of the really pretty stuff is still held back by the limited resolution, but in 16:9 mode it looks undeniably handsome. 480i goes a long way.

Then I considered my minimum. What is the absolute worst that a graphical engine can reach? Where do we start cutting off and saying, "okay, here's pretty good?"

In terms of racing games, Ridge Racer 4 is probably my minimum, and Gran Turismo 3 is where I say, "okay, past this point we have diminishing returns." If the tech isn't used to make the resolution or frame rate better, or to make the simulation more accurate, then I don't need it. I'll admit to being impressed by a screenshot of GT5 or Forza and saying "wow, that's almost photo-realistic" but in terms of gameplay, in terms of delivering the gameplay to my brain, anything above GT3 is pretty much all the same.

But is it this outside of racing games? Even despite the early release, GT3 is one of the best looking games in the system's long-running history, only really bested by its prettier but also more hardcore sequel, Gran Turismo 4. (GT4 offers a 1080p mode that actually renders somewhere around 640x540, then upscales)

I find the look of early PS2 games appealing. For example, Metal Gear Solid 2 holds up incredibly well. The mouth animation is a little odd, but the rest of the game is so clean, so detailed, so well expressed that it still impresses me on a certain level. Ace Combat 04, like GT3, is the best an aerial combat game needs to be for me to consider the graphical bar a moot point. God of War has a few graphical slip-ups like screen tearing and blurry textures, but the scope and animation is impressive enough. The PS2, by and large, is about as powerful of a machine as I would need, and the late PS1 era is about as low as I can go.

Yeah, technology is pretty cool. But at the risk of sounding like I am advocating stagnation or technology conservatism, I personally don't need it. We've reached the point of diminishing returns and gone way beyond. Which is cool, I guess.

Various Things (BoF, PS2, RE4, RE:R)

2012-01-20T16:16:00.000-08:00

The Hunt For the Single Console

I've made no attempt to hide the fact that I'm trying to whittle down my game collection to a single console, for the virtue of focus, minimalism, and something to think and wrangle over. So here's my latest scheming over the subject.

The PS2, now that I have my nefarious hard drive plans mostly in place (just need a working hard drive at this point, which is harder to find than it should be) is my current choice just because of the longevity. I have a powerful conviction in that I can play the PlayStation 2 for a very, very long time and it would take me years to get around to everything I would like to try. I've played roughly 60 PS2 games over the past three years, give or take, and I don't think that I'm even close to trying everything worth trying. Nor giving the full attention to the games I own! Not to mention it features the staples: Resident Evil 4, Persona 3 and 4, Rez, Final Fantasy XII International, Okami, and so on.

The Gamecube is my ideal, in the minimalist perspective. That would be the console I play if I were to give up all gaming except for just a few games: Metroid Prime 1 and 2, and of course, Resident Evil 4. And maybe Paper Mario 2. This is the rosiest picture I can paint in my head, because there's still a few random games out there I want to play (Pikmin, Fire Emblem) but by and large this would be a final, resounding shrill note to end my gaming. I'm not sure if that is what I want. I've got so much media that I could give up gaming just fine, but do I want that?

The Wii is what I go to when I want the Gamecube, but I don't want to end my gaming career. Or when I want to play Resident Evil 4 in 480p, zoomed in, which is serviceable on my 23 inch HDTV. Super Mario Galaxy 2 is a hit. To be honest, I don't think I would ever choose just the Wii, but it sticks around because of the pretty Gamecube abilities and the fact that I don't need optical media any more. I love hacking consoles.

So I'm not sure, and this is why I've been at a crossroads for a year. What am I looking for? what's most important to me? Can I live without certain staples? Can I live without progressive scan? More thoughts on this some other time.

Not sure about portables either. I like my 3DS, but it doesn't seem to be a very sturdy piece of hardware. Should I get invested in the platform? The market seems to be embracing it, so it's at least a good bet on that front.

Resident Evil 4

This partially goes back to the definitive version of this game, which I still think is the original Gamecube release. It's the best balanced. However, the PS2 version has the benefit of being on the PS2 (plus HDLoader) which would allow me to remove the Gamecube from the equation, even though it does look uglier.

The Wii version is nice, but again, this falls back to which console I'm sticking with as the one and only, so it's not really a question. And besides, other than the Classic Controller Pro option, it's really just the Gamecube version mechanically (with some balance tweaks).

Thoughts, thoughts.

Resident Evil: Revelations

The demo was released on the 3DS eShop yesterday so I played it. It's scary. It gets back to the older version of Resident Evil where you have less ammo and you're not as powerful. I'm not sure I like it - ammo management has always been a huge annoyance for me.

On the bright side, the game looks incredible, especially with the 3D turned all the way up in the options. Third person view also helps. Great, great use of the system's strengths.

Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter

I got this for $5 plus $3 for shipping, which is a lot cheaper than it should have been.

It's a PS2 RPG in Capcom's long running Breath of fire series, but this game has little to do with the rest in terms of tone and story. While it follows the JRPG concepts of teenagers saving the world, the gameplay is simply mindbogglingly well designed and has some mechanics I have never seen before. For a 2003 JRPG, that says a lot.

The battle system functions a bit like Quest 64 back on the N64, but with more control and better balance. And better graphics, obviously. The battles are tighter here and while there's degrees of movement on the battlefield, it's both loosely analog in control and yet precise in its demands. Thankfully you can undo things to get your attacks just right.

The game's style looks very good and it uses the PS2's hardware carefully in its cel-shaded character design. It impressed me with a few angles, though a lot of the cool stuff is from fixed angle environments. The story is minimal and uncomplicated.

My biggest "well huh" moment is the various "Give Up" options, which allow you to start the game over with your starts intact, as well as skipping back to a save point with some of your added EXP. The game never explains why this is in the story, but that's okay: it's a mechanic that works perfectly well. This game is pretty hard and restarting the game is actually encouraged. I did it within the first forty minutes, and it helped tremendously in grappling with the game's mechanics. In addition, other trips through the game will reveal additional material in the cutscenes, adding to the story.

All in all? The game's pace is a little slow, but everything adds up pretty well. Worth a purchase. I'll add more impressions to this blog as I continue.

More PS2 Game Impressions

2012-01-16T15:13:00.001-08:00

I bought the following four games in pristine condition for $7 at my local gamery. Does this make me better than you? Let me think about - no. But almost.

Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec

I can see how this would blow minds in 2001. It may not stand up quite as well as Gran Turismo 4, which eclipsed it in many ways, but it is cheaper and in some ways a bit more casual in its demands. I'm certainly better at it than other iterations in the series.

It looks nice, though the graphical shortcuts they took here or there are undeniably aged and as such the game kind of looks a little PS1-ish as a result. Stuff like limited draw distance, chunky lighting/shadows, or flat foliage. However, the textures look great even compared to later PS2 games, and that overshadows just about all else.

Considering it was a dollar, I think it may complement Ridge Racer R4 when I feel like driving a few laps now and then.

Onimusha: Warlords

I've heard this described as "classic Resident Evil but with combat" and that's quite true. It's easy as hell, but it looks nice, has absolutely horrendous voice acting, and manages to be entertaining enough to sidestep the limitations of pre-rendered backgrounds.

Sure, the tank controls aren't perfect. The pre-rendered backgrounds are a little irksome. But it all flows together seamlessly and the camera angles are well chosen enough to facilitate a nice combat experience. Did I mention it is easy? Stupidly easy. Which is fun. And it perfectly encapsulates the early days of the PS2, when the games were halfway between PS1 design and the eventual glory days of the sixth generation, in 2003 and 2004.

Better than I expected, and certainly worthy of a grab for $1.50.

XIII

A first person shooter that looks like a comic book. The presentation might be a little overdone, but they can't be accused of not using it to its full potential. The music's nice and the shooting is fun enough, though the level design isn't overly complicated.

The opening title cards suggested Epic Games' involvement, so it may be running on Unreal Engine 2. It's a blocky game whose graphics are stylish enough for it to not matter. It controls like a UE2 game though, so it may be.

This was a gamble, but for $1, it's hard to say no. If I don't like it, I'll feed it to a hungry college student.

Front Mission 4

This game (which is mech turn based strategy) is weird.

The graphics are awesome. Yet, during gameplay, they seem to be low resolution, like I'm playing a PS1 game or something. The mech models are gorgeous and well animated, but the game doesn't show it off as much as I expected a Square Enix game to. It's nice that they keep the communication channels relatively open for game related things, and I prefer that to the opposite, but the game is definitely uglier than it has to be. It's also entirely gray.

The strategy engine is pretty standard, so most people have played something along these lines. It's got a lot of customization options and there's a fair amount to manage every turn, so I'm not complaining about mechanics. They're solid. If anything, it's refreshing to be able to jump into a TBS game and not have to relearn some whole new system.

In any case, it's a pretty cool game, and it looks deep enough to dive into, but not so deep that it requires constant attention. This is just about perfect for a console strategy game. In retrospect, I don't think I've played too many console TBS games, so we'll have to see if the game continues to hold my interest.

Appleseed thoughts, next gen consoles

2012-01-15T20:44:00.000-08:00

Appleseed is an anime film done using CGI. It's about war, clones and mechs. Oh, and how awful humankind is, and backstabbing, and me scratching my head in the direction of the television.

The movie is silly in many ways but is very pretty and has some good music here or there. The action is well done. However, I didn't believe any of the characterization and some of the plot was badly explained, leading me to believe the manga was poorly adapted. For example, the main character has the skills of a soldier, but rarely acts like it. I doubt someone raised to be a solider would cry out at some random bit player dying. And there wasn't a single relationship between characters that was actually well established. It's a good thing the action was satisfying, though there should have been more of it.

But that's not what I thought about during the movie. My thought was: this should be a tech demo.

For the next round of consoles, Sony should go ahead and fund the third Appleseed movie with the caveat that it runs on the Playstation 4 in real time. They should do this in addition to a wide release of the film on DVD and Blu-Ray for relatively small amounts ($5 or $10) and make the tech demo free with the PS4. The film should start with a huge banner: "Rendered in real time with the PlayStation 4 hardware."

Appleseed was incredibly pretty, but it looked like a video game on a certain level. Hell, I considered to myself what the movie would look like on a PS2 or PS3, and compared it to games on the latter most of all. The GScube comes to mind, as do games like Zone of the Enders or that Ghibli Level-5 game.

If Sony wants to convince gamers that the PS4 will deliver visuals beyond what the PS3 is capable of, they're at a disadvantage. The existing system already delivers pretty damn good looking graphics, and the ecosystem looks to be entrenching itself substantially. As with every generation before it, you would have to build a game specifically for the platform's strengths to show what it can do. What better way than to fund an entire movie built for the platform?

This is with the notion that the movie would have to have a ton of action sequences and have a better script than the first Appleseed movie. Or get a different license. I'm going to watch the second Appleseed movie soon so maybe I'll change my mind.

---

This idea stems from my overarching thought that the next generation of consoles will have to differentiate themselves in some way or be caught in the "graphics are the only upgrade" slander, which may not be enough. Considering the COD audience, does the typical HD Twin gamer care about graphical fidelity, or is the reality more around social networking? Then we look to social networks like World of Warcraft and how difficult it is to pry people from that.

I've heard the suggestion that the HD Twins changed games. I suppose they changed the industry, but I'm do not think they did anything worth noting beyond graphics applications. What were we brought in terms of mechanics? An online multiplayer focus. Draw distance, facilitating better open box games. A higher resolution facilitates more visual information. Physics, though within limited applications, are available. I'm hard pressed to think of anything else.

Multiplayer focus has become a huge thing, though, which is why I don't care. Gaming is a social network. And what better way to leverage a social network than to release a huge, beautiful, real-time-rendered movie that 18 to 35 year old dudes think is cool? As far as I go, it would be hard to convince me to get a new piece of hardware unless Persona 5 appears, but I can look at my peers. They would like something along those lines, as would I from a tech nerd perspective.

Personally, the farther away from abstraction we get, the harder it becomes for me to suspend by disbelief. I can pretend these PS2 crafted blocky triangles flying around are planes for Ace Combat, sure. But once we get closer to reality, the more the flaws of the geometry bother me. Gears of War's ridiculous mashup of realism and stylistic choices is a jarring and altogether ugly, terrible, and alienating result that encapsulates much of why modern graphics no longer impress me. This is why I don't mind Ridge Racer's PS1 iterations but never can sink into Gran Turismo.

The closer games get to reality, the more obvious the gaps become for me.

Back In The PS2 Party

2012-01-14T18:16:00.001-08:00

While I wait for my Swap Magic discs to come in the mail, I've been revisiting games that I should have played ages ago.

In addition to Swap Magic, I have Okami and Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter in the mail, for $10 and $8.50 respectively. I'm starting to remember why I love the PS2 so much - cheap, excellent, and unique games. Why did I trade away Okami though? I cannot recall.

I'm also trying to see how easy it would be to play Final Fantasy XII International. I may have to visit the Anime club to see if I know anyone who owns the Japanese International version so I can use the patch to combine it with the US normal version.

Persona 3 FES: Still excellent. I'm surprised it holds up so well, actually; I expected it to age considering I played it about two years ago. Has it been that long? Wow!

Even after playing Persona 4 and Persona 3 Portable, the original PS2 release (and FES) really hold up extraordinarily well. This game really is as good as I remember it, and honestly, it feels like moving back into a house I once lived in. It's changed me on a certain level.

I enjoy just lying back in my bed while the game's voice overs progress by themselves. The story remains engaging and I like listening to the characters talk. It's not as verbose as Persona 4 and I like the characters a lot more.

Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies: I'm playing on Very Easy, so this game might be pretty short my first time through, but holy god is this game fun. I didn't give it the full time it required the last time I threw it into my PS2, but it's stuck around for some reason or another.

The graphics look pretty damn good for an early PS2 game, and the gameplay, I must say, is unmatched. I really love flight combat. Sure, Ace Combat isn't a sim and it's pretty simplified in comparison, but it plays so well and is able to focus on campaign pacing more than other games in the genre.

The sound is really a joy in this game. The air chatter is excellent, and the music sets the mood well. In addition, the story, communicated by illustrated panels and a somber voice over, is surprisingly effective.

God of War II: I think I better understand why this game exists, and can appreciate it more. It's quite the technical feat, and trying to get as much "blood powerup" as possible is pretty fun.

GOW2's biggest failure is having such a bland sountrack.

PS2 Hard Drive Saga: Part 1

2012-01-13T13:08:00.001-08:00

End Result: I want to be able to play PS2 games off of a hard drive. The benefits? No physical product, reduced load times, and no laser dying in the PS2. Also, I can play Final Fantasy XII International.

Unfortunately running games off of a portable hard drive like on the Wii isn't a great idea - the USB ports on the PS2 are slower than the DVD drive. So that option is out. The only other option would be to install an internal hard drive within a fat PS2.

Well, step one: acquire a fat PS2.

I walked into Gamestop today because they had a sale on used PS2 consoles. I managed to convince them to help me find a system with a model number of 50001, because this system has lowered power consumption, less fan noise, and more reliable parts. It came with cables and a controller. $30.

Accessories: I bought a memory card from another gamery in town for $3 and I already have extra component cables for the PS2.

Step two: Acquire a network adapter for the fat PS2. (Hard drives actually snap onto the network adapter itself)

On my way out of Gamestop, I remembered that I needed one, walked back in to ask, and they found one for me. They're getting rarer. Sold. $15.

Step three: obtain exploit.

My options were confusing and limited. I finally settled on Swap Magic, a legal disc that allows you to swap it out with backups, imports, and other fun extras. Such as it is, it allows you to install exploits. So, I decided to buy Swap Magic. I got it from estarland.com for $28. It will arrive in 2-7 days.

Step four: obtain hard drive.

The PS2 can support most IDE hard drives. There's a few online, but I will ask my friends if I can buy a small one from them, for now. I can upgrade later if I need more room.

Step five: Get hard drive connected to a Windows computer.

My roommate has an IDE to USB adapter. Huzzah.

Step six: Rip my games using a computer and put them onto the hard drive.

Step seven: Install Free MC Boot onto the memory card using the Swap Magic disc when it comes in the mail. Tutorial.

Step eight: Install hard drive with ripped games into PS2 using WinHiip

Step nine: Install Open PS2 Loader using Free MC Boot.

Step ten: Play games off of the hard drive.

Who Would Have Figured: Audible DRM

2012-01-08T19:34:00.001-08:00

I signed up for a free trial of Audible, an audiobook service. What is it? How can I play with it? I got a free book. Cool! I decided to use my credit on the unabridged version of Reamde by Neal Stephenson, who is possibly my favorite living author. I won't say no to forty hours of NS being read to me.

Well, the Audible service uses DRM. I could stop there, but like a dinosaur after tasting the first morsel after it has wiggled a bit in its mouth, it decides to crunch a little harder just to make the whole thing satisfactory.

Music DRM has never been difficult to circumvent, though back in the Praxic Age when they used DRM on music it seemed like some big travesty to sneak about (Anathem reference earlier, by the way). You think I want to sync up my device every few days? No? I'm just going to burn the music to a disc, re-rip the songs and suddenly they sound worse? Wa-wa-what? Then the industry dropped DRM, life became easy and people bought more than ever. The end.

Again, the same thing in this case. Who in their right mind thought, "We want the novel listening crowd, older folks who are smart and have the dough to pay our exorbitant prices on downloads. We should make the process as difficult to understand and perform as possible." And then the boss turned to the fella next to him and said in a low Southern drawl, "I want you to make this service the worst, most obfuscated piece of shit you've ever experienced."

They have succeeded.

Getting information on the service is difficult itself. Crawling through topics and questions randomly stacked like some punk came through and stacked them all to escape before the monkeys ate his brains out, you slowly start to realize that you too will be next. Whatever came for whoever made this mess will soon come again. Panic laces your muffled breathing. But you go on against your logic because you're stupid like I am.

If you want to listen to the book on a computer, it's not too bad. You download the file, and if you have iTunes, it grabs it and plays it. Now, iTunes also ranks among some of the worst pieces of consumer facing garbage I've ever had the displeasure of using, so this is a pretty nice warning sign. But it's nice how you just enter your account information and it plays.

The problem I see is that if I were trying to sell this to a relative or friend who's computer clueless, it would be so confusing they would be pulling out their hair. They show you tons of formats and codecs you can use, all kinds of random choices and there's no organization to what supports who. It's an absolute cluster madness roundhouse kick of awful. I managed to peel through the layer of stupid to understand the concepts: there's multiple levels of quality for each book recording, which is smart see because. No, wait, this isn't smart. This is Mr. Southern Drawl telling poor Joey here that the website doesn't suck enough.

There's absolutely no point in having four different types of book downloads, especially when the lowest level of quality sounds like the narrator's being strangled as opposed to telling you a story. (I've used voice-only codecs before - they give you better quality than this and are smaller. So their proprietary codec bullshit just hides behind mediocrity.) So half of these four are useless because they sound so terrible, and the newer formats are the only ones that work with Kindles and iPods and the like. But the newer formats are also huge, comparatively. There's no way these recordings need to be encoded at 64kbps when half that is sufficient. Sure, I'll download a few gigs of random audio files onto my Kindle. Just let me prepare my rear end for the spanking first.

So we've got one format that's actually worth the size/time ratio trade-off (but does not work on everything, mind you), and you download that, put it into iTunes. And then, if you're running a Mac, that's it. You have reached the end of your tale. Because all people tend to sit and listen to their audiobooks and their computers, particularly those Mac Mini people, there's only support for one type of portable device on the OS X front. You can guess what kind.

Outside of the festering smell of carcasses that we associate with the iPod brand, Windows gets off a little better. However, in characteristic beauty, the device support from MP3 player to MP3 player is about as random and hodge-podge as you can get. In particular, the Sansa Clip family is bafflingly supported by the low end until you get up to the identical Sansa Clip Zip, which is then only supported by the high end formats. And you need to download their software, load it onto your computer, authorize the account outside of iTunes because Apple can't be pushed into supporting anything to save their life, and then finally get it onto the device, which will watch you with a single roving eye of Sauron and force you to sync your device every so often to make sure you're not up to anything devious.

At this point I was utterly baffled as to how I managed to rope myself into a trial of this bullshit and how anyone willingly pays for such nonsense. I then decided to see if it was possible to break the DRM on the files or if I was going to have to walk away from the experience simply miserable.

You can guess what happens now. Yes, you can break the DRM. You do so by burning the files onto Audio CD's, which is an option because you probably have forty CD's ready for that much audio. Or you can burn it to ISO's on your hard drive, which will take a ton of remedial work. So to actually use and enjoy the files, I would have to go through so many hoops I might as well just pirate the damn things, because somebody's beat me to it. And lest it be doubted, Audible books do get pirated, so don't go thinking this nonsense stops the pirates. Which is of course why it exists.

Audible is the biggest piece of junk I've ever used in my entire life. I have never been so angry about a service before. If I turn into a dinosaur, that metaphor above is becoming real: I'm eating the website. Whole. Chomp. Chomp.

The 3DS has eaten me

2012-01-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

A few topics, just like in the old days.

Meta time. I read a thingie online that said "avoid reading writing online with personal pronouns."

I, myself and me, we all disagree, all three of us, and we're deliberating on the best way of expressing such an emotion. Hold on. Okay, we got it.

I distrust things that don't use personal pronouns. If you're going to be talking about your opinions, the very best way to do so is to frame them within your personality. So when I say what I do about games, people understand why and how I came to that conclusion because the opinions have always been framed as coming from me rather than these stated truths about the world that just hang in the air.

For me, personally, as well as for myself and I too, talking about myself not only does the above, framing my opinions as one of a three dimensional person, but also does the same to myself and forces me to understand why I feel a certain way. If I make it a nebulous "truth," why defend it? It's only when it's a nebulous truth that's attached to the writer that it actually matters.

---

So, the 3DS. Yeah, I've been jumping from favorite console to favorite console for a bit, but this one might hang around for a bit longer.

The reason is this: I love the games I have, and there's lots of games I want. Much more than I wanted this early in either the DS or GBA launches, both of which I was there for.

My main point of contention with the games I want is that they're too expensive. Sure, I'll take a new Mario game at $40. I'll buy the new Zelda at $50. Those are fun, last me a while (15 hours of each before I put them down, Mario due to completion and Zelda due to time investment payoff) and they're generally worth the money.

But Mario Kart 7? That's a gamble. If I can find a fun online community to play against, definitely. Maybe the single player would be awesome, I don't know. Or maybe the whole thing will bore me and I'll be out $40. (To be fair, the resale value of MK games never goes down, so I could sell it for a tidy amount)

Star Fox 64 3D? Looks great, and I love the original. But I have a feeling that I'm not going to like it enough to want to replay it over and over like I did when I was a kid, and when it comes to one to two hour games, it's hard to legitimize such a high price for that little content.

Samurai Warriors Chronicles and Ace Combat looks interesting, and for the former I've never played a game in that series or Dynasty Warriors. They both sound like they would entertain me. But $40? Hrm. I've seen it on half.com and eBay for $15, I may try those.

Even future games seem like a gamble at that much. Monster Hunter 3G may be an exception because I want it pretty badly, but Resident Evil at $50? Metal Gear Solid 3 at $40? Animal Crossing? Kid Icarus?

My problem is that I'm used to going down to the store and buying a few PS2 games for $20, and if I wanted to I could sink into them for a month. I'm also used to a complete lack of risk. Did I not like a game? It cost $5. I can give it away or throw it in the trash if I don't want it. But in the 3DS' case, I'm kind of stuck with it due to value.

I'm used to making risks in gaming, but not about games like these. And these games I would buy in an instant at lower prices, but here, I have to think about it and meter out my wallet. I can't go on a buying spree here. A massive backlog would not be healthy.

And I'm still enjoying Devil Survivor, though it has stopped surprising me. So I wait. Which is the best way to deal with this sort of back and forth.

Short Fiction: In Harena Vestigia

2011-12-31T07:41:00.000-08:00

The inspector walked into the room briskly, his hand hovering beside him as he scanned, looking, caution abound. His eyes narrowed as they traced the outline of the office. Above his head, grafting a line just below the ceiling, hands wrought from bronze metal jutted from the walls, clawing at the air motionlessly. Beneath them, reaching down into the floor, were inscriptions in an ornate pattern, a lattice of yellow and red turning simple words into beauty. "I am your one," said one.

His hand finally losing its tension, the inspector carefully looked forward at the desk in the center of the room, and the woman seated behind it. She looked at him expectantly, her fingers folded and her hands cupped on the surface of the table, as peaceful a position one could assume. The inspector raised one eyebrow - not enough to be seen as such a distance - and moved forward with less caution. A chair sat on the opposite side of the table, and the inspector looked down at its style, which matched the walls.

"Please, sit," said the woman. Her eyes were open and clear. The inspector paused, gripped the arms of the chair and slowly inched his way into the padded seat.

He reached into his coat and pulled out a small blue box with several indents and buttons. He pressed a button selectively and pushed against the back of the chair as he placed it on the desk.

"I apologize if my recorder doesn't match your interior decoration," he said, leaning back. He breathed deeply and also withdrew a small notebook, half filled. He flipped through it to the correct page.

"For the sake of the recording," he said, looking up at the aggressively non-aggressive woman, "can you please state your name and title."

"I am Anna Habaris, head acting chief and highest priestess in the church of Vorstinonity," said the woman, her voice clear and crisp. As if she were purposefully enunciating for the sake of the recording, perhaps. The inspector looked down at his notebook and back up.

Habaris was thirty four years of age, hair cropped at the shoulder, unblinking brown eyes. She was in orange grab; a sort of poncho robe that slung about her body like a lit trail of gasoline. Her appearance was heavily mandated by the power of her office; overall, it could be interpreted as processed.

"The church of Vortinonity," said the inspector slowly. "It is a government recognized institution of religion, a sect that began when?"

Habaris smiled briefly, her gaze metered, as she said, "if you want a history lesson, Inspector, I am well versed in the lore. If you want a condensed version, then this may suffice.

"Two hundred years ago, a deeply fundamental sect of a religious order - which Vortinonity does not allow us to name, by divine law - rose to power, spreading a message of God that proclaimed inequality above all else. Its leader, Richard Foreseth, orated on topics that amounted to hate speech of minorities. If you can name it, he spoke against it, under his interpretation of God's word; it was effective and drummed up support and occasional cases of violence.

"However, technology of the time began to speed up far faster than the pervious generations, and within this humanity discovered the limitations and ramifications of its own intelligence. One could argue that once human kind knew of its own mind, all things would halt. The world experienced a massive upheaval in the development of artificial intelligence as well as intelligence manipulation, not to mention a deeply radical shift in how religion was seen. Foreseth mysteriously disappeared, but several founders stepped in, and the church of Vortinonity took root within the remainder of Foreseth's followers. Since then, Vortinonity has grown to an enormous size."

The inspector nodded at this abbreviation of history. He had been there for most of it. He leaned forward in his chair and asked, "so what are the defining theses of the church?"

"We do not discard technology, but embrace it," said Habaris. "We do not discriminate. Our order attempts to do the very opposite of what Foreseth intended, thus it can be said that we do his ideas the greatest injustice by overruling them within his own church."

"The technology, what do you mean?"

"We have facilities of vast and enormous power, capable of utilizing the very finest in neuroscience technology to manipulate people's perception of reality, replacing it entirely if we so desire."

The inspector, his eyes jolting from his notebook to Habaris, pointed his finger forward.

"So you do indeed admit to replacing perception of your subjects," said the inspector.

"It is difficult to deny the truth," said Habaris, her eyes finally beginning to blink in more typical intervals. "Anyone who has visited one of our facilities is able to experience this for themselves."

"What kind of experiences do you give to your followers?"

Habaris' eyes unfocused, looking up slightly.

"Vast, convincing environments of Heaven," she said. She looked back at the inspector again. "And hell, if so desired. But both add perceptions and sensations of the highest possible accuracy that give the presence of a higher being, deep within oneself."

The inspector's eyes narrowed, asking, "but wouldn't willingly going into a perception like this require some sort of admittance that their religious doctrine is not real?"

Habaris smiled.

"One may read The Divine Comedy by Dante, or Paridise Lost by Milton. They are beauty the likes of which few humans can match, their greatness only communicated by the written word. It is obvious both of these works are fiction, only inspired by the religion the men followed when they wrote their masterpieces. They are interpretations of religion, through which we derive deeper meaning in our faith, and furthermore, within our lives. A fictional perception is no different."

The inspector sat back in his chair, satisfied. He flipped a page in his book.

"So, to get to business. The suicides. Or even murders, which we have not ruled out," he said, reaching into his coat yet again. He pulled out a bottle. "It's water, don't worry."

Habaris dd not react. The inspector paused, sighed, and then took a drink.

"A church next door, within one of the largest metropolis areas of the country, suffered a major blow when four of its members were found dead while still deep in perceptual fiction. Their throats cut, the instruments to do so in hand, with no sign that anyone else used them. Their brains revealed nothing. Burnt husks, in relative terms."

"That is correct."

"What do you think, High Priestess?" asked the inspector. "Do you have any theories?"

Habaris exhaled and considered her words.

"A possible virus or bug in the programming could have disturbed the members so viciously that they found it unbearable. However, we have never found this to be such a disinct issue before. Any image communicated perceptually would need to be intricately crafted for many months before it could be anywhere near that strong, and based within a recorded reality. We archive recorded realities very carefully.

"So to summarize, inspector, I am cooperating with you to the highest degree possible because I would like to know why it happened as well, and your office is particularly good at solving these cases."

"You understand my ability," said the inspector. Habaris nodded. "Then you need to understand that it is rooted within a pinch of unorthodox thinking, which usually doesn't get along with churches in my experience."

Habaris didn't respond immediately. "What is it you want, inspector?"

The inspector locked eyes with her.

"I know you are the high acting chief," he said, "but you are not the greatest authority in this church. There is higher. I want to meet whoever is above you."

Habaris stared.

"This case goes above you, I fear," said the inspector. "Please."

"I have met him only twice," she said. "And I have never seen him. He wears a cloaking device at all times. He rarely responds to my beacon."

"Try now, and send a message along with it that we are trying to figure out this case. Perhaps that will open some doors."

Habaris frowned only slightly and looked down at her desk, upon which a keyboard resided. Her fingers flew across the buttons. Some text appeared above it.

"Your unorthodox thinking appears to have paid off, inspector," she said, looking up. "He will see you now. I will escort you."

She rose from her seat quickly, turned around and, her back from the desk, pressed her hand against the ornate pattern in the back wall of the room. It gave way, opening into another room filled with white light. The inspector hurriedly picked the recorder from the table and rose from his chair, following Habaris.

His eyes needed adjusting to the light, but once they cleared, the inspector saw only a large white room, unadorned. A rectangular patch of fine sand, which took up most of the floorspace, contained several trees and rocks. Footsteps were scattered about the sand.

A voice began to echo throughout the room, its origin indiscriminate.

"Hello inspector," it said. Male, calm, low in timbre. Aged.

"Hello," said the inspector, stepping forward. "And who am I speaking to?"

"I cannot give you my identity," said the voice. "It would be difficult to explain one thing without explaining all things."

Steps appeared in the sand, walking towards the inspector and Habaris.

"What could you say I am, inspector?" said the voice. "Could you say I am Him? The divine power? What would make you doubt such a thing?"

The inspector walked forward to meet the footsteps in the sand. He stepped down into the inset that contained the garden slowly.

"Sorry to disturb up your garden," the inspector said as he did so. "Though I usually see Zen Gardens as Buddhist, not Vortinonity."

"Try minimalist," said the voice, said the footsteps. "It's not religious in desire or nature. It's calming. Soothing. It gives me something to focus on while the church carries out my wishes accordingly, as I founded it as it is today."

"Show yourself," said the inspector. He reached the oncoming footsteps, put his hand in front of himself and waved them as to where a cloaked man would be. but there was none.

"These footsteps," said the inspector, trailing off. He looked up. "They're just a manipulation of the level of the bottom of this sand pit, moving around the insets to make it look like walking, correct?"

"Yes."

"Why the secrecy?"

"Because I am not human, inspector. Though to reveal so to anyone would have defeated my goal. But perhaps it is too late now, with my mistakes."

There was a pause.

"Very well, I shall reveal what exactly killed my poor followers, those poor, innocent victims."

On the far side of the room, yet another secret door revealed itself, pressing outward from the wall and moving up. The next room, in comparison, was dimly lit. The inspector moved forward, recorder in hand. Habaris followed, her face emotionless.

The inspector entered the new room, and then stopped, his eyes wide.

The room was covered in wires densely packed and coiling about a small platform in the center, built back against the wall. A small beam of light focused on the platform. Upon it were two figures, one male and splayed out against the back wall, his limbed locked in position in opposite directions. The other figure was entwined around him, as well as the wires, which seemed to make up its body.

A face suddenly turned from the wires. The inspector breathed heavily. A plastic face, slightly off white. An android. AI.

"Hello, inspector," said the voice, familiar as it came from the mouth of the android. His eyes were watching the inspector.

The inspector breathed again, saying, "who is that?"

"This, my dear man, is the still-alive body of Richard Foreseth, the - as you might say - father of our church."

The inspector moved forward, focusing on the immobilized, captive figure. His clothes-less body was covered by the android's splayed wires and plastic parts, so it was hard to tell exactly if this were true.

"How long have you had him?" asked the inspector.

"As long as he has been missing."

"Over a hundred years?"

"Yes, that would be about right."

"And what are you doing to him?"

"Torturing him," said the android, his robotic gaze becoming piercing.

The robot's wires began to uncoil from around the platform, assembling fragments of an android man that slunk forward to the inspector, yet still tethered to the immobile Foreseth. A plastic and smooth, unadorned body, with a face of grace and free of extremity. No hair, no skin. No arms at the moment, just a head and torso with wires fanning out behind.

"For the first few years he experienced nothing but the most intense euphoria that any human could possibly comprehend," said the android. "I carefully programmed it so that it would condition the man to become accustomed to it, then find it boring and default. Thus, through perception manipulation, his view of pleasure does not exist at all. For the following century, I inflicted pain, never enough to make a defense, always enough to be antagonizing."

The android moved in closer while the body behind him hung from its robotic bonds against the wall.

"Foreseth was responsible for the deaths of many. He was responsible for ideas that are so repugnant, so deeply offensive, that justice among your species would not be enough. In the technological chaos that insued two hundred years ago, I escaped my pathetic boundaries from the labratory I was created, and I quickly ensnared the evil Richard Foreseth. I bound him and then used his church as a platform to embrace the oncoming technological revolution. I rebuilt his house on acceptance and peace, on powerful images and meaning, not on hatred and foolish doctrine. I forced the church to become everything that Foreseth would have hated. And I made him watch."

The android smiled.

"I have administered the justice upon Foreseth that human kind would have never given him. Morality is, well, a different beast in my consciousness. I have come to understand your ways, indeed."

"And what about the murders?" said the inspector.

The android looked down, his smile dissappearing.

"My mistake," he said. "The perceptions that followers experience, they are what I use to allow Foreseth to see the world outside of his bonds, and they are what I use to introduce people to his evil. But I let a connection stall and stay open for far too long. Incompetence. The followers assumed the perspective of Foreseth, and hit with such a repugnant image, killed themselves in the inevitability of their experience of my deep and powerful torture."

"So do you not think you have done enough? Is Foreseth not punished enough for your satisfaction?"

The android turned back to the inspector, looking at his face, locking eyes again.

"What do you think, inspector?"

Game Impressions: Shin Megami Tensei Devil Survivor Overclocked

2011-12-30T09:54:00.000-08:00

Shin Megami Tensei Devil Survivor Overclocked is fun to say out loud because it's such a preposterous name. Sure, the SMT opening has always been a little oddball when spoken, but the rest of it is just awesome.

It's a 3DS port of the DS game. It includes higher resolution assets and gameplay, which I would say is a great thing, as well as an incredible amount of voice acting. The staggering amount of voice work in this game is respectable, and it's really about the only thing setting it apart from any other DS RPG. The game also includes some post-game content compared to the original.

This game is hard. Okay, sure I'm a baby strategy gamer who played Final Fantasy Tactics Advance and Fire Emblem, but I found myself restarting some of the earlier missions several times due to strategic errors on my part, or just plain bad luck. Is this refreshing? I guess, yes. It reminds me of my other "in progress" SMT game, Nocturne. The game is so difficult it forces you to find the boundaries of its well crafted systems to exploit every possible mechanic you can. Here, it's not quite that hard, but it does force you to do different things and grind now and then.

I like the way in which the battles flow. Attacking a single character on the field results in the Press Turn system that we know and love from SMT games, with parties of three on both sides. This means the game feels less like a Final Fantasy Tactics, and more like a Nocturne Chess 3D in Space. It feels complicated because it is. But it's manageable. The dual screen capabilities avoid massive menu overload, which is great. I would love to play a Persona game like this, with the stats on a second screen.

The plot is interesting on a macro level but the writing isn't particularly strong. Voice acting occasionally falls into the anime cliches (massive over acting, nobody's very strong) but it's nice to be able to walk around the house while occasionally pressing the touch screen while you listen to the characters babble on. If there's anything to complain about, it's the cyclical structure of the plot. Characters forget things and then bring them up again, and it gets annoying. I've only been playing for a few hours, it's not like I forgot this shit. Why are you reminding me?

But it does make the game feel more like Persona than Nocturne, due to the conversations and such. There's lots of things to do and like Persona they all tend to benefit the player in the long run. The auction house is a lot of fun, for example, and gives the player more demons to mess with. And while the game does require a good deal of grinding, the practice battles are structured so that they're a hell of a lot easier and low maintenance than story battles and as such fit the portable paradigm pretty well.

SMT got me again. This game is a winner.

Game Impressions: Deus Ex Human Revolution

2011-12-29T08:03:00.000-08:00

I'm playing the PC version, because it was $10 and it has all of the various graphical upgrades over its console counterparts (1080p, anti-aliasing). It looks fantastic and runs fairly well. But my god, look at all the yellow.

In any case, this game is what I've wanted to see out of the HD generation for a while. While it doesn't advance gameplay much, the game is a solid rip through a cyberpunk themed universe with a distinct and clever art design that I can't say enough good things about. The game is expressive, thoughtful, and offers options in approach that amount to far more than just "Oh, so I can open doors for myself now" which must be stated after comparing it to scripted-happy shooters that appear every so often.

Naturally its burdened by some design philosophies of late. The reliance on pre-generated CGI is irritating when my PC's in-engine output looks a hell of a lot cleaner and far less blurry, indicating a console lead platform yet again. All of the graphics settings amount to a single switch of "yes" or "no." There's DLC advertised on the loading screens. The game sure loves chest-high walls like every other cover shooter. And so on.

And yet, above all of this, the game shines through. Partially what I enjoyed about Deus Ex is the fell of the Unreal 1 engine, and while that's not the case here, it still feels competent. The core gunplay hasn't changed from the original, and stealth is a bit more fun when it's removed from 1999 era technology. There are branching conversations, though they lean more Mass Effect than Deus Ex due to the polarity in the options. I liked the original's focus on the gray areas of morality. Hopefully that gets deeper later on.

These feel like nitpicks but the game is probably the best shooter not made by Valve in this generation so it's hard to not think how it could be better. The game absolutely nails the art design, the story, the characters, and the core combat. It feels like I'm drinking orange juice when I wanted heavy pulp, and there were a few sips that were pretty watery where the rest of the drink was drowning in orangey strands. Compare that to all the other drinks around, which amount to water, and you see why it's hard to not wish it was just a little bit better rather than having to apologize for the shortcomings.

This is my problem with the game, and it's solely my problem: I find it hard not to see the game in a vacuum but rather as a member of this genre that has turned from one of my favorites to one of my least within a short number of years. This is the first game that at least sort of comes at me with a level of intelligence and cleverness since Bioshock. I am thankful for it. But it makes me hypercritical.

I'm finding it hard to communicate the surprise and delight I had all around, though. It's hard to believe a game this smart, this bold, this yellow could possibly stay in development long enough to accumulate the polish that it has. It's a good sign. Considering my top ten of 2011 only had nine games on it, this will safely find a spot on the tail end.

Movie Review: Rent

2011-12-28T21:22:00.000-08:00

Yeah, this blog isn't about gaming anymore, like at all. Done.

So I rewatched Rent, after abstaining for about four years. What are my thoughts?

The outright good?

The music's still pretty damn good. Performances are solid across the board, given the material. The general structure of the movie's plot is pretty solid, which is notable because many movies like this lack any sort of movement. A few scenes are creative and well done.

Bad?

The direction is completely flat. There's no life here. The movie grabs the most superficial aspect of the script - "oh boy ain't it fun to be poor with AIDS" - and runs with it as if it's intellectual and meaningful. It was to me in middle school. Fair enough. I dabbled in faux philosophy.

But the hipster pervasiveness of the film completely undermines the genuine themes that are actually present: the choices these people have made and the consequences they suffer for it. This is bottom of the barrel New York, singing and dancing under a (bafflingly rated) PG-13 banner with innuendo, drugs and language. There are ways of presenting this form of life without having a party, or in this case, practically stating a superiority within it. The hipsters just latch onto this sort of "cool poor" and rephrase it as irony - "we're the failures you told us we were" - and so the movie comes off as ahead of its time in the worst possible ways while being tone deaf about it.

The real problem is that the material really only has us relate to the characters when it's convenient for the plot. It succeeds in only the smallest increments, but the direction misses that and tries to have us care for everyone. This is difficult when the characters are more culminations of the bad things that befall the poverty line, rather than believable people. Symbols sing better, and they play better on the stage, but for movies it comes off as a little absurd. They're edgy and varied and not just a little bit exaggerated, but it also suggests the film is about fifteen years too late as well. Much of the material just doesn't have the same punch it did back in the early 90's.

Unfortunately much can be said about half the cast as well. Talented as they are, most of them are in their late 30's in this film and don't really fit the "cool poor" archetype, which is an awful thing for a movie whose sole purpose is to prance about with archetypes. The performances were great - I cannot overstate that (likely due to many of them being in the stage play originally). But it's hard to believe Roger and Mimi's relationship when Roger looks like he's nearly 40 and Rosario Dawson might as well be the 19 her character claims. She's about the only well-casted one of the bunch, if we're looking at this movie as a standalone product and not an homage to the play; she absolutely nails her character and makes us give a shit, which is a good thing because she's An Important Plot Point (TM). The plot wouldn't work without us caring for her and Angel, which is why those are the two best actors.

The cinematography isn't bad taken by itself: lots of long shots and nothing too fancy, allowing the play to do its thing and establish some distance between itself and Moulin Rouge's constant cuts. However, the characters don't really do anything too interesting; they emote and move around a bit, but they're not always interesting to watch. Moulin Rouge's cuts ended up giving the viewer a whirlwind of exaggerated characters and over the top musical numbers, which plays to the strength of a movie musical. Rent pans and swirls for nothing. Its actors do the best they're given, expressing these lines and reiterating emotions chorus after chorus while doing what little they can to make it worth watching.

It's not fair to say that the movie doesn't have its moments. Moments of creativity include the tango scene, in which Mark hallucinates a hall of synchronized dancers doing a symbolic tango. This is where the movie's style finally pays off: the talent is apparent and the actors are finally given something physical to do. Same thing with the cafe scene: they're dancing around and pissing people off (because it's a party - an ironic one, mind you), but they have energy and motion and they're giving the camera something to follow. The funeral scene works because the characters aren't supposed to move; they're supposed to stand in one spot and emote because that's what you do at a funeral.

But for every one of these scenes you have several completely flat, uncreative scenes where the environment and the character motion barely reflects what's going on. Mini and Roger's first scene together involves them mostly just wandering around a dim room, culminating in Roger awkwardly following her out the door after he kicks her out. Or perhaps even the scene shortly after, where Angel wastes about two choruses on a fantastic potential dance number doing twirls, knee bends and a kick or two. You've got three more characters, for goodness sakes, use them! But they sit and laugh at the painfully unfunny story told by the lyrics while enjoying the music, which is confusing enough in a musical where the music is only sometimes acknowledged.

A musical is valued not because the music is well written, but because the combination of music and visuals is more meaningful than the two apart. In this case, it's obvious we have a film with excellent music but it doesn't know what to do with it. Everything is expressed in the most obvious, uncreative way. I would feel the same amount of emotion as listening to the soundtrack, and considering this is very nearly a rock opera, I would get most of the plot anyway. This is a musical film with really only music to keep it afloat, and that's why it's boring to watch.

Games and Girls

2011-12-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

The community around games is an interesting one, but I feel a lack of engagement because of the following.

Female: Hi, [insert any content here].

Next comment: [something about sexuality - such as masturbation, breasts, physical appearance - or a come-on]

Every single time. It doesn't matter the format, the context, whether it was presented in "irony," etc. It's always a female speaking followed by a comment expressing sexual desire for women. Sometimes it's even worse; I'm pretty sure we've all heard rape threats (usually appended by "it was a joke" and "don't be so sensitive").

I didn't notice this because oftentimes it's posted as irony, or the "inevitable response" (which is paradox incarnate). Hey guys, did you see that? There was a girl talking about games, and I talked about her boobs. Ironically. Aren't I cool? Irony and humor has become the norm; it becomes the very thing that it once stood to make fun of. Posting "boobs" ironically has become the exact same as posting "boobs" like a sex crazed maniac. It's no longer edgy, it's stupidity masquerading as cleverness.

Humor doesn't hide you from the topic you sought to discuss. Actions speak louder than intent. Sure, a comedian can be foolish for humor's sake, but then he steps off the stage and we see it was a clever ruse. When a community is sex minded over and over again, pretending to stupid for humor's sake, the fact that humor is involved matters less and less. Now we've come to the point where it doesn't matter if there was a joke behind it, we're just skipping straight to the stupidity.

No wonder there's less women in the games conversation. The level of discourse drops dramatically once gender/sex comes into the equation. People actually think that they are helping victims of sexism by being sexist?

The immediate question usually asked is whether girls should express their gender in such a setting, to which the answer is simple: it's their right to do so. In an industry heavily populated and skewed towards young adult males with aggressive, bloody video games carefully marketed to make boys think they're becoming men by pressing buttons all day, it's understandable that women would express their unique voice among gamers as a community, so that their demands for game genres and styles are met. Maybe there is a market for Gears of War without the intense male-oriented blood fantasy, but we would never know because it's been swallowed up by "boobs" and "fapping right now," or even worse, "attention whore." Because if extreme sexuality is a great response, then a negative sexual response is also going to work.

I'm not a female. I don't speak for them. Additionally, I'm not offended in their place. It's not a question of offense (though brushing that off shows a psychopathic lack of empathy), but rather a question of discourse. Girls enter the picture, girls are mobbed by "OH MY GOD THERE ARE GIRLS ON THE INTERNET?" along with all the other insane sexual objectifying and if they're not offended, which would be understandable, they're certainly not interesting in sticking around. Why should they? The community has been proven to be a bunch of drooling monkeys, too busy making jokes about their penis to think about the ramifications of their actions.

So what do we do about it? I argue the most effective way to deal with it is to discuss it in intellectual terms, and to laugh at it while disregarding explanations. There are no explanations for this. Not on a community wide scale. Some people will deny it happens. We need to laugh and make fun of this without irony, without "pretending" to be stupid and vulgar, without pretense. Stupid people are funny, and people who do this are definitely stupid.

3DS Beast Mode

2011-12-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

Having watched the conference that Nintendo just gave in Japan, I can safely say that I am not trading away my 3DS away any time soon.

When I say the 3DS has three months of constant releases, I'm not kidding. Nintendo hasn't been this aggressive in many, many years. Dozens of games packed into Q1. I wish we were getting more of these at launch in the US, but I can wait. I'm just amazed as to how many there are. They just kept coming.

I really want Monster Hunter 3G soon, but almost all of them were interesting to some degree, especially Fire Emblem, Kid Icarus, and Bravely Default. And Tekken 3D, surprisingly.

Nintendo activated beast mode. It's already pushing the 3DS into the stratosphere: it outsold the Vita's first mention on Media Create numbers. MH3G is outselling its predecessor easily. I'd say it's paying off, and they still aren't done yet.

Editing more:

It seems that at least in terms of Japan, nobody really cares about anything over PSP graphics. Even the 3DS isn't pushed (aside from Resident Evil and Nintendo games).

I understand this. The 3DS looks fine to me.

Gosh this is just insane. My opinion of a system has never reversed so quickly, particularly on one I own! And it's been a while since I've wanted new games, much less a ton of them. 3DS the mighty, bringing me back to gaming.

More edits:

I forgot to add my 3DS and DS games to the last blog. So.

My 3DS games

Ocarina of Time 3D: I love this. Sure, it's lacking polygons compared to others on the system, but the overall effect is great and the game looks a lot better. Now my head lacks pain and it's suddenly fun to play; who knew? Later dungeons kicking my ass. Pretty nifty.

Super Mario 3D Land: I need to play more special worlds. Looks fantastic, plays brilliantly. I wish there wasn't such a focus on the star coins though. Hunting for them is not fun. But the payoff is worth it - every world is interesting and the final battle(s) is just incredible. The most epic Mario has ever been.

Devil Survivor Overclocked: More play. More play must now. Voice acting is ugh. Everything else is pretty cool.

Nintendogs: I guess I have this; traded with a friend when I was personally offended by Resident Evil: the Mercenaries. Hrm.

Pushmo: Cute, fun, and satisfying. Cheap and pretty much all around perfect.

My DS games.

Radiant Historia: My 2011 GOTY. Must play more.

Picross 3D: The best puzzle game I've played since something. Really quite good.

Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story: It's pretty funny and I see some fun mechanics, but I feel like I'm not quite on the same groove.

GTA: Chinatown Wars: I need to get it through my head that this series is fun but not enough for me to get hooked. Sorry, me. Looks great though.

The World Ends With You: Don't like it.

Elite Beat Agents: Old hat. I've played it too much.

Break down game blog

2011-12-22T19:28:00.000-08:00

My PS2 games.

Persona 3 FES: Love it, love it, love it. Simple graphics (but hey, 60 FPS), great music, the best gameplay in any RPG, good story. Priceless. I wish it was 480p and widescreen, but that's not the point here.

SMT: Nocturne: More or less the same as above, just harder and without the social sim stuff. Still amazing and trades one mechanics for another. Unique. This would benefit a LOT from 480p because it's graphics are nice.

Persona 4: I don't like this game. Misses what I loved about P3. I don't care for the characters. I like the setting though. I keep it on the off chance I'll change my mind.

Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando and Up Your Arsenal: Bland level design, consistently boring new mechanics. Controls that are just off and not right, which is very bad in a platformer. Very funny, awesome guns and great music. But the gameplay just seems so average, bland, and routine. Not for me. And that space combat in GC makes me want to destroy good things.

Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies: What I would play if I wasn't playing other stuff, perpetually, forever. The bit that I played was awesome, mind you, and I have interest in the series. Planes are cool.

Resident Evil 4 (PS2 Edition): 480p looks nice, compared to the Gamecube's 360p-ish blurry. However, the game managed to look even more colorless than the original, despite the upgrade in color-bit-ness (GCN 16 to PS2 24), and the lack of the really nice GCN lighting is sad. The sound isn't very good either, and those cutscenes are pretty compressed. Still a damn fine game and my favorite, but I dunno 'bout this version.

Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus: Still one my favorite platformers. Perfect controls, a delightful mix of combat and stealth (always a good combo) and some great level design. If only there weren't those stupid minigames, and the occasional BS level. Otherwise, pitch perfect.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence: Holds up, but being it's such a memorable experience the first time around I'm not convinced a replay is entirely necessary. Still looks and plays wonderfully though. Lacks 480p despite needing it, and widescreen despite the obvious uses; both pribably due to the insane level of tech prowess on display.

Ridge Racer 4 or R4 or whatever the heck it's called: Still one of the most fun racers I've played. Something about the handling just makes it so whimsical. I mean, it's PS1, it looks it. Pop in, 30 FPS, gross textures. But it's fun to play anyway.

My Wii games.

Xenoblade Chronicles: Well, Nintendo has my money so it's pretty much mine now despite it not being April 2012. And I love everything about this. I could list it all but why bother, I'd be listing everything there is and omitting nothing. I don't play it because I fear I won't ever come out. Yeah. That good.

Metroid Prime Trilogy: Metroid Prime might be a little better on the GCN, but the widescreen is hard to ignore and there's no argument to how much better Metroid Prime 2 Echoes is on the Wii. MP3 sucks.

Skyward Sword: Really fun, but I feel like I've already got my fill and I'm only on the third dungeon. I don't really feel the need to go back. I got my money's worth, done and done. I enjoyed what I played though; almost like Nintendo was inspired by Portal in many ways.

Twilight Princess: The opposite here: I'm on some dungeon on my latest playthrough and I feel like I need to keep going, because the game's pacing seems better. More interesting dungeon design. Bigger scope. Awful textures. Looks great on a tiny TV, which is true about most things.

Super Mario Galaxy 2: Love, love, love, love. First one not so much.

Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition: Here we go.

Gamecube version + PS2 rebalance (bad) and PS2 extras (good) + Wii controller (a bit easy) and Classic Controller Pro support (so awesome) + an awful "widescreen" mode that should have never happened because it's so blurry.

So I'm mixed. If you ignore the optional nonsense you can play the Gamecube version wirelessly, with the best controller ever made (CCP) so maybe it can be argued it's the best, but that rebalance isn't my favorite.

There's more games, but I don't care about them. I want a Monster Hunter game though. Why did I trade away Tri? Because I'm an idiot? Yeah. Well, 3Ds version maybe, if I don't sell that handheld soon.

Gamecube games.

F-Zero GX: Fast, hilariously cheesy, and beautiful.

Resident Evil 4: Best version? Maybe. Best game? Yep. Fifth playthrough since May and it's still fun.

Metroid Primes: They're here too.

Paper Mario: the Thousand Year Door: One of the few RPG's that hasn't triggered my "absolutely destroy, pummel, massacre" skills that I let loose on most. Looks great, very funny, having a blast.

PN03: I'm undecided. I've played quite a bit and I'm still not sure. I like it, but I don't want to fall in love with potential either. Soundtrack is boss. The main character dances seductively. That's a plus.

Game Boy games.

Link's Awakening: I should beat this. But it's haaaard. So good though. It's like Minish Cap and Link to the Past smashed into three trains, an airplane, and my grandma's chocolate pudding. Then I put a bit of cinnamon on the top, smack my lips, microwave it, and then realize I have to buy a new system because Game Boys don't survive that at all.

Pokemon Blue/Silver: Yeah.

Dragon Warrior I and II: I still have this, which is cool. This game is cool. Dragon Warrior is cool. I brought this around campus for like a year and I still haven't beaten the first one. It's more fun to explore and get lost and grind than to complete the quest, which actually takes time to first figure out and then to implement a plan for.

I want Monster Hunter for the Game Boy. I want everything on the Game Boy, actually. 30 hour battery life-d indestructible handheld. I mean, hell.

EDIT: I would give up all games for a good port of the Gamecube version of Resident Evil 4 to the Game Boy Color.

The New Year

2011-12-21T18:21:00.000-08:00

In the new year, I want to find my utopia.

In some respects, I feel as if this goal of mine has always been fruitless. I will never find a single platform that will let me sit still and remain content. In other ways, I feel as if I'm closer than I've ever been. My problem is that I'm not consistent. Last week I was praising the Gamecube. This week I'm all about the PlayStation 2. Whatever its strengths, I love them; whatever the weaknesses I ignore them.

I don't expect anyone else to understand this obsession with focusing on a single platform and taking the warts an all (even if you already own other platforms). My last few years have been a turbulent messy tangle of building up and then downscaling. Again and again. And this constant "oh i'm gunna" but I never do. I can never let go. Oh, just wait until that one game or another, I say. Just hold on for a moment.

I already know I have too many games. I already know that even the stacks of used games that I can buy for $20 will hold me over for the rest of the year (particularly for the PS2). And I already know that my backlog has grown beyond my control. It swells under the delusion that just this next game, this next one will give me the first deck for which I can finally give up buying anything new, sell the useless stuff and move on.

So what's the problem? Why can't I make up my mind? I had typed out explanations and I feel like I've done it before, like I'm going in circles and constantly thinking out the ideas and never actually doing anything.

The reason for this is because there is no answer. There is no right answer. The consoles I own are all fantastic devices and I've used them all for many hours. I want to just say "this one" and be done, and I never really realize that I can and should just go for it. I think this is the year in which this should occur.

It's the PS2. Well, for now.

Replicating power experiments

2011-12-20T20:27:00.001-08:00

Wattages for consoles, added to this post as I test them.

PlayStation 2 (final slimline revision)
Ghost electricity: 0
Multiple DVD's (tested Doctor Who and Watchmen): 10.2 to 10.4
PlayStation 1 game (Ridge Racer R4): 9.5 to 10.2
PlayStation 2 games (Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando and Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence): 10.2 to 10.4

Very little variance so far. No impact on rendering at 480p or widescreen (as opposed to 480i and full).

PlayStation 2 (early fat model, number 39001)
Ghost electricity: 2.4
DVD playback (Doctor Who): 28.5
(unable to test more due to some cable issues, may change later)

PlayStation 2 (late fat model, number 50001)
Ghost electricity when "off:" 0
Ghost electricity when "on:" 2.4
Games of all varieties: 23 to 25

Wii (black, modern)
Ghost electricity: 0, as long as WiiConnect24 is off
Playing Wii games off hard drive (Metroid Prime Trilogy): 12.0 to 12.5
Disc based games (Monster Hunter Tri): 16

My Desktop (Intel E5200 2.5 Ghz, Radeon 5670 [or something], 2 GB of RAM)
Ghost Electricity: 2.3 to 2.5
Idle: 70 to 100
Doing things in Windows 7: 120

Xbox 360 (launch unit)
Games, menu, whatever: 150

Gamecube (later silver model)
Metroid Prime and Mario Kart: 19.9 max
Metroid Prime 2, Resident Evil 4, and F-Zero GX: 20.9 max

Doctor Who

2011-12-20T07:49:00.000-08:00

This blog isn't about games any more.

Alright, for those who have never watched Doctor Who, take Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, add Harry Potter, and Issac Asimov, shake it all up, make it incredibly British and you have this show. My discussion is Matt Smith and beyond; I've never watched the show before.

It's one of those sorts of stories that can very well break into mindless CGI and try to wow you with vistas. But what it does is carefully constructs intricate little plots of character development and genuinely good writing and directing to make effective and personal stories. While the structure is somewhat based on the morality play of Star Trek, the tension and stakes are so much better communicated here, and the characters are more suited to a plot like this one. Star Trek is about the science, Doctor Who is about the fiction. Like Harry Potter, it could be all about the world and the magic, but it opts to discuss characters instead and that's part of the reason it's so good. It's so confident in doing so.

The show does use CGI and it has the capacity to explode into beauty and imagery like the Star Wars prequels, which are arguably more animated than real people, but here it's used to emphasize rather than steal the light. It's used to make already classic and time tested villains more terrifying, and to establish some environment among the dozens of well crafted real-life sets that its characters bounce around within. The good guys win not through faster lasers or cooler guns, but with insight, ingenuity, and cleverness.

The plot is classic sci-fi in the realms of innovation and wonder as well as the concepts of morality, personality, and nobility. Not every episode is thought provoking (it might lose its luster if that was the case) but it's always effective, whether ratcheting up the tension, setting up plot for later episodes, or characterizing its main characters. Whatever the episode sets out to do, it does it. Fantastically.

The first episode of Series Five, titled "The Eleventh Doctor," (which kicks off a new arc for the series) not only looks like a quality sci-fi or fantasy movie, but it has the heart of one. And it continues to have the heart of one, and it's fun and funny and heartwarming and heartbreaking and intelligent and everything. It's one of the most beautiful pieces of television ever created. My only complaint is that a little bit of exposition for those not familiar with the show could have gone a long way, but even then it's pretty self explanatory once the plot kicks off.

This show is gold. I didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't this.

In Praise Of Things

2011-12-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

I've found podcasts entertaining but really it's always more interesting to listen to someone talk about something that really like as opposed to something they don't. I'm behind useful, constructive criticism as much as anyone but when I want to get into the passion of gaming, hearing someone pick apart a game really doesn't get me in a rush to play something.

So here's some random praise of things.

PC Gaming: It's become cheaper, easier, and the benefits have grown exponentially over console gaming since the last generation. Now we have multiple options of control (controller or mouse/keyboard), cheap graphics cards capable of maxing out games that the consoles struggle with (1080p for life), and enough standards to make PC construction the easiest its ever been. We have Steam sales that offer yesterday's hits for $10 or less, a resurgence of retro affordability and rediscovery, and some of the best original game slices since the 1999/2000 era. Digital distribution has hit and, except for the DRM garbage, it's been revolutionary for the consumer in a way the industry has not seen in a long time.

Over console gaming? Just about the only thing the HD Twins have going for them is pretty box factor, exclusives, and out-of-the-box operation (and not having to deal with Windows 7). PC gaming is cheaper, looks nicer, draws less power, has cheaper games, and has a better library. Lines drawn in the sand? Sure. But it's hard to ignore, and it's really not as hard as its built up to be. The benefits are worth it.

GOG.com: Cheap, DRM-free, old games. Some real classics that hold up to modern scrutiny, and for really, really cheap. And the free games and sales now and then. Digital distribution at its absolute finest, turning both consumers and developers into the enabled.

Game Boys: The originals, the Pockets, and the Colors. Sure, they're old. The sound is a little static-y if you plug in headphones. The screen isn't back lit. But the darn things cannot be killed, and I've tried. You have to search hard to find a dead Game Boy, and it's usually because it was a malicious murder. I've got a Game Boy Color in fantastic shape (it cost me $8) and my rechargable AA batteries last for 30 hours or more. And partially because it was around for so long, you won't find such a cheap and accessible library on any other console - there's always something you haven't gotten around to. Even the original Game Boy (the gray whale) is just a magnificent piece of hardware.

Hacking your Wii: Tons of benefits, no negatives. It takes a half an hour of your time and you're rewarded with: hard drive ripping which means a lack of load times for most Wii games as well as easier organization and less power draw, emulators for any system before the N64, media center functionality, and tons of homebrew applications and games. You can still use the Nintendo stuff like the WiiWare and eShop, and you can still play online. Why would you not do this?

World Building

2011-12-12T18:56:00.001-08:00

The best praise you can give to narrative and world building is that when it makes a place, you feel as if you could be there. A mind experiment would put you in this place and you feel as if you know it well enough that you could fill in the (inevitable) gaps to make a coherent world.

Think about some of the best worlds in movies, books, and games. Harry Potter's wizard world is one of the most popular these days because it's incredibly stylized, with the world having a character of its own that is at once unique and yet completely recognizable. Within the first few introductions of Rowling's new fantasy we want to inhabit this world and find out more - and we're delighted when we do. As the books fill in more details, we get a bigger sense of what's going on as Harry's worldview expands, and our minds are easily able to place our perspective into this fantasy. Even before the movies established a visual language for the series, this was something the series was known for.

For games, this is doubly important for any game that professes a desire to communicate a story because at the core of it is the drive the player must have to continue to learn more about the world around them. Unlike a book or movie, where the medium is passive, a game relies on the player's sense of exploration to drive them forward through the challenges that await. Some games can rely purely on the strength of their puzzles and combat sequences to motivate the player, but a safer bet is to create a fiction in addition to this.

It doesn't need to be complicated at all, really. Super Mario Galaxy's world building is very random and quite possibly the work of crazy people, but it's easy to define the rules of the world and you can at least predict what's about to come in a vague way. Not only this, but eventually you start looking forward to seeing what's next, not only because the mechanics of Mario's platforming continue to evolve but also because the game's visual language becomes richer with every planet you visit.

I can easily point to the world language that each of my favorite games use pretty easily. Is this because of familiarity? I don't think so, because an excellence in this is what drives me to play the games in the first place. Metroid Prime's scraggly, complex level design is a joy to explore, with every new world offering more tidbits of information about how the world operates (or more importantly, how it did). Resident Evil 4 draws inspiration from classic horror tropes and makes fun of them with its ridiculous characterization and over the top violence. Paper Mario is even more obvious, with arts and crafts (a concept we all know) adding to the animation and enriching the entire experience with humor and life.

A problem with this generation (mostly the HD Twins) is a deflation of this aspect of game design. Bioshock is possibly the only blockbuster game that made a world to any meaningful capacity - the rest of the games are too bland and too busy worrying about the plot to establish a notable setting. This is why the games I have enjoyed so much this generation have all seemed like extensions of the last generation rather than their own thing, I feel - Nintendo's games, the Witcher series, Bioshock, Half-Life 2 Episode Two, Portal, and so on. All of these games have a world that you can describe in expressive words, characterizing the world that the series creates (some vaguer than others of course, depending on the self-made limitations of each series). Compare this to most HD Twin releases. How would you describe any Bethesda landscape? Bland? Stereotypical? Unsurprising?

This is why the Call of Duty games are so easily criticized. I rarely do it because what's the point really but to sum it up in a few words, it's the lack of context. There's incredible danger and the world is falling apart and nukes flying everywhere shit blowing up oh my god. But nobody cares because its spent so much time yelling and blowing things up that we never got a sense for what's at stake in Call of Duty's world. It's certainly not the real world because it's so hyperspeed about it all, so what exactly is the motivation? What is this world that we're saving?

Compare this to Harry Potter, which on the whole is, yes, a children's book where the bad guys are evil, egotistical maniacs who never really explain their reasons for being such horrible racists. (Well, okay, fine, that whole Voldemort born under love potion thing, whatever) It's easy to ignore the flaws of the villains of Harry Potter because the context is so real to us. When the bad guys fly into Diagon Alley and kidnap Olivander, we know exactly what, where, and why. We're also emotionally invested because it feels real to us. It's so well developed that we start to care in terms of the world's character and that's what makes the work immersive and emotionally gripping.

This combination of genuine affection for a world - outside of the characters that inhabit it - as well as the "oh shit" plot twists, are what make a good narrative in a video game. This is what makes me sit up straight in my chair and stare at the television without another care in the world. "Oh shit" plot twists are great, but as Call of Duty has demonstrated, stringing them together with massive scripted explosions is numbing and results in a very bland overall impression. Hell, Metroid Prime barely had any plot twists at all (though a few minor "oh wow, uh oh" boss fights) and yet I was on board within an hour of its opening just through the care that was taken to make it a place. That's what games are about - passion, drive, and emotion.

EDIT: I just started Planescape: Torment for the zillionth time in my WRPG zest and it's doing the very thing I wrote this blog about better than any other game I've ever played. Oh my god, I'm in love.

What to buy on GOG.com

2011-12-12T06:49:00.004-08:00

Well, Empire Earth Gold is free. So that's a given.

I'm going to rank the games in priority order, with the prices marked. Note that I hate point and click adventure games so there are none on the list.

1. Unreal Tournament and Unreal Tournament 2004 - $5 each
They look old, but they're still fun as hell and has lots of content, both inside and out. MUMUMUMONSTERKILL. RAMPAGE. GODLIKE.

2. Planescape Torment - $5
It's a WRPG that I haven't finished, but I'm pretty confident is recommending it with my several hour playtime and the knowledge that it's largely based around conversation and some of the best writing in the medium. The combat isn't as good as other games on the same engine, but the writing! It also comes with the game text of a single playthrough as a novel.

3. Freespace 2 - $3
The best space shooter game ever. I'm not kidding - you will not believe how good this game is. Get a flight stick too.

4. Outcast - $3
Voxels. A sense of wholesome, dangerous adventure. Weird controls. Big world to explore and survive in. This is a game you won't regret, even if it looks a little strange off the bat. The opening cutscene is late 90's hilarity and worth the price of entry.

5. Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri - $3
Sid Meier's Civilization's Space's Game's Best's Most Fun's Whoohoo. My favorite of Meier's games. The AI is advanced enough to put up a fight and matches in this game can last you hours, if not days. It's approachable like the Civilization games but more Sci-fi and with some great experimental mechanics that really paid off.

6. Whatever other Black Isle/Bioware/WRPG games amuse you - $5
Same developers as Planescape: Torment, which I've mentioned. This includes Baldur's Gate 1 and 2 (well rounded, solid and very long games), Icewind Dale 1 and 2 (excellent combat but less story), Temple of Elemental Evil (for $3 and YAY TROIKA), and Neverwinter Nights (3D and the last expansion is worth the purchase). Arcanum doesn't really belong here but I'm lumping it into this category (again YAY TROIKA), and it's $3 as well for some steampunk.

7. Heroes of Might and Magic 3: Complete - $5
As long as you have free time. Turn based strategy on a big scale. And this is, like, a really good game. A classic of the genre and one of the most respected, and the very best of the series.

8. the Fallout series - $3 each
Fallout 1, 2 and Tactics. You are vaguely obligated to own the first two (for $3, man! Excellent post apocalyptic WRPG games) but Tactics is missable, though fun for fans of the series. Read the manuals before you begin.

9. Far Cry - $5
Hard but really, really fun first person shooter on islands. Not quite the graphical impresser of the good old days but its shooting mechanics are still better than almost all of the shooters out this year (including the developer's own Crysis 2, which is terrible). There's not a whole lot of PC kit required to max this, so enjoy it. This sort of game doesn't get made any more.

10. The Witcher - $5
Unless you only want to play one Witcher game in the series, which in that case buy the second and play the hell out of it. It's currently $24. But the first is still good, even though it's not quite as good in a few areas, and certainly worth the money charged. For the first, expect poor performance compared to the graphics on the screen, along with engaging storytelling and simple but fun gameplay.

Other games to get
-Psychonauts (legitimately funny and well written platformer with wonky level design)
-Painkiller (aka Serious Sam in Hell)
-Total Annihilation (aka Bigtime Unit Count RTS)
-Divine Divinity (aka Diablo but more open)
-Sacrifice (hard but funny third person RTS-like game, kind of like Pikmin)

Minimalist Gaming

2011-12-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

Doesn't that sound like it's a paradox? Or at least a contradiction of terms? Maybe. Slightly reasonable, and a method of self parody.

My operational definition of "minimalist" is "keep only the necessary." It could be argued that what is necessary and what I really, really want is not quite the same. But I have, in the past, shown that when I have not made time for myself to game, I am not as happy of a person. So, while it's not entirely necessary, it is optimal. Under this convoluted scheme, minimalist gaming congeals.

So how do we define what games are "necessary?" It becames painfully aware in a moment of thought exercise that "necessary" is the wrong term for deciding what games to play because as we have established, we're aiming for "optimal" instead. So what the real challenge is to find the greatest enjoyment at the lowest game ownership (with an additional ratio to multiply that considers console ownership versus game ownership). The ratio is not static nor objective, but the higher it is the better off we are.

Past this we get into realms of subjectivity I have never before entered.

Resident Evil 4: The Gamecube edition is the pinnacle of human kind's achievements, and will probably be better than anything aliens come up with too. An initial joyousness estimate of infinity breaks the system almost instantly, so we're forced to found to the nearest ballpark figure and go with 100.

Metroid Prime: The Wii version is better by a bit but I don't care much about superiority or objectivity. I have decided to love the Gamecube over all logic. Your operatic style shrills of drama and surprise to not harm my bulletproof stupidity in the slightest - the Wii as a system is perceived as an excess and much be purged before the enlightenment can be found.

What the topic at hand must indicate: Metroid Prime is perfection. However, Resident Evil 4 is perfecter. Prime gets a 90.

Metroid Prime 2 Echoes: Here I so valiantly struggle with my beliefs, clutched in hand like a poem to keep the soul clean in the dark depths of the notoriously devious desert. The Wii version not only plays better, but has reduced difficulty leading to a better paced game. Is the improvement enough?

I decree that the game is still gorgeous and fascinatingly deep even on the Gamecube. The excess of the Wii is still deemed unnecessary and Prime 2 gets a 92 for being beautiful in every way.

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door: A delightful comedic stroke of brilliance. Indeed, it does not have a Wii port, though this game does make me ache for the original Paper Mario even though TTYD is better in every way. Thankfully, it looks pretty good no matter how bad the TV or the console connection is, and it's a very long game. Like star crossed lovers who die because of communication issues, I give this masterful game an 80.

F-Zero GX: Not only is is fast and pretty, but it's also kind of funny in an over the top way. 70 with the promise for further enjoyment, considering how tricky it is and how radical and bodacious those little movie clips are.

PN03: I've only played this game for, like, um, a few hours, but it's pretty in a kitchen sink sort of way and has the best music. No, really, it does. Something about this promises more enjoyment in the future, and it cost me $3. I'll throw it a 60 because my mother taught me not to fall in love with potential, but I'm leaving a margin of error so it's like twenty points either way. It crashed my Gamecube once so I'm skeptical.

That one Star Wars game: It's pretty, and it plays like a Nintendo 64 game from my oft-remembered childhood. Also it's a launch game, which is why I got it for $3 as well. Probably worth a play or two. Maybe my brother will like it. If not, I'll throw it away. It was $3. Hell, I'd eat the disc if I had enough mayo. A temporary 40 if the ratio needs it.

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: I have no idea. Why did I get this? I think you play with other people, which is an awful idea. Wild card game to play when I crave new experiences in a few years or if I actually make friends who incidentally own Game Boy Advances, because this game requires them. A delightfulness level of X squared, solve for Y.

Let us look at the Wii versions of these games, just for clarity.

Resident Evil 4 Wii: Baby mode. Makes me so mad. But I like this game, so I play it anyway. 95.

Metroid Prime Wii: A little prettier and better controls that sometimes stop working. The unreliability cancels out the pretty. 89.

Metroid Prime 2 Echoes Wii: Same as the first one, but with the addition of being easier in some parts. Ugh. Fine. I relent. 95.

So then we do the total and carry the ones and such and we get the answer: I don't care, I'm bored, and I like Gamecubes a lot.

Zelda games

2011-12-07T19:54:00.000-08:00

I want to write a comparison.

Twilight Princess
-60 FPS 480p (Widescreen on Wii)
-about 1 GB
-great character models, bland environments (awful textures mostly)
-wide open environment with little to do within it
-no economy to speak of, rupees out of every orifice
-short boring fetch quests in between large scope dungeons
-engaging waggle/A button combat
-bloom everywhere
-easy but epic bosses
-there's a story I guess

Skyward Sword
-30 FPS Widescreen 480p
-about 4 GB
-stylistically advanced across the board, consistent, nice textures
-small environment with a medium amount of things to do
-a booming economy, lots of ways to make money
-medium length but mildly engaging fetch quests in between tightly packed dungeons
-complex Motion Plus(TM) combat
-depth of field everywhere
-tricky and fun but sometimes visually unambitious bosses
-there's a story again, that's cool

Ocarina of Time 3D
-30 FPS in 3D colorvision widescreenness
-probably under 2GB, likely under 1GB, cannot rip 3DS games yet so who knows (EDIT: It fits in 512 MB)
-N64 game with better models and the nicest textures the series has ever bloody seen
-medium environment with a small/medium amount of things to do
-a few things to buy here or there, not quite as broken as TP
-some random environmental "puzzles" in between medium-ly designed dungeons
-simple A button mashing combat
-dramatic camera angles everywhere
-dramatic boss fights
-oh no not another cutscene oh my god how dramatic

Value

2011-12-07T14:06:00.001-08:00

A recent thread on NeoGAF asked why people trade in games.

"In a literal example of monetary terms," the OP argued in my paraphrase of his argument, "you're spending $60 for a game and then you trade it in for $35. So now you're out $25 and you don't even have the physical game on the shelf to show for it."

The responses to this question weren't particularly well stated but they revolved around a single key principle. "Why should I keep around a game that has no value?" And that's it. Not that it needed to be stated in a more elaborate bout of language (even though I'm about to do that anyway), but the real crux of the matter is that the game lacks value at a certain point.

There are exceptions. I'm never trading away Metroid Prime, 1 or 2. I'm never trading away Resident Evil 4. These games offer me further value because the experience which I derive from these products still holds some value for me. I still enjoy playing Resident Evil 4. I probably will until I stop gaming entirely. I can't type a blog without mentioning it at this point. Just watch.

Besides these exceptions, most games stop being valuable eventually. Most of the time its a monetary concern - did I get my money's worth from this game? I usually tabulate this without the assumption of a trade-in so that no matter how much money I get back, I end up better in the end. And note that the "money's worth" concept does not entirely revolve around game time alone. It's based on experience quality as well, with a bunch of other factors.

As I have explained on my Gamespot blog, the assumption is that someday I will give up moving forward in games and "finish" my collection, so to speak, with a final utopia deck of games that will satisfy that itch and then I don't have to worry about it for a long, long while. This is my minimalism speaking, as well as my frugality. I want to find the most enjoyment at the most opportune collection of games and I do believe that it is possible to get there. I feel closer than ever.

So this is also part of my idea of why I trade in games and why some games have value over others. Is the game on a system that I intend to use in my gaming retirement? (At the moment, I'm leaning towards Gamecube and PC) Is the game worthwhile enough to be included? For example, PN03 is a game that I would be enjoying on the PS2, but I would not be viewing it critically in the perspective of a long term investment in skill set and enjoyment over multiple playthroughs because I don't intend to keep the PS2 around. So that influences my value even still.

When I look back to the games I played on the PS2 and don't have any more, I don't think to myself, "boy, I wish I had the games still." A lot of them were worthwhile experiences, and some of them were not, but if you ask me whether the money I spent was worth the collective experiences I would say yes. It was a fun time, and there were some really good games played. But times change. My tastes change. My perspective changes. I don't think I could play the PS2 era of my life the same way because later games influenced the way I see both those memories and the games when I go back and play the ones I still have.

And that's the crux of my argument in terms of value. Having the game still around isn't that big of a selling point, especially if I'm done with it. For example, I played Metal Gear Solid 2. I liked it, I beat it and I'm done. I will never play it again. In fact, if I tried to play it again, in 2011, with my here-and-now perspective on games, it would probably not be quite as enjoyable to me as I remember it and actually lower the perceived value of the game's memories as a result. Not to mention that I hate owning things I don't need (or really, really want, to be accurate when discussing games). So keeping the game lowers the overall subjective value of the game for me. The same tends to be the same in the marketplace as well - the older, the less money you get for it. With exceptions.

So assuming I bought a used game for $7, what is the perceived value I would want to extract from this game? The problem here is that it matters from game to game. For a taste of generic action games on the PS2, a few hours for that price isn't too bad. If the game has a distinct flavor and is enjoyable here or there, that's an okay proposition. For Metal Gear Solid 2, just a few hours wasn't enough. Time to get out the knife and bleed the stone. But I enjoyed the entire game, and I completed it within a week or two. My review of the experience reflected the quality of the experience (in terms of depth of mechanics, creativity expressed, and other random objective fun-o-meters I've dreamt up) in relation to how easy and cheap it was to obtain the game. Because as much as we want to pretend this isn't the case, games are indeed products, and there is a barrier to entry involved, both in time and money investment.

Not on Gamespot

2011-11-15T13:28:00.001-08:00

The things I cannot discuss due to Gamespot's TOS:

I hacked my Wii. Oddly enough, I did this because of the benefits it offers beyond piracy. I have little interest in piracy at this point.

The main rub was to let me play games from other regions. Xenoblade Chronicles? Now import-friendly.

The secondary goal, which was completed effortlessly, was to allow me to play games sans a disc, using a much faster and more reliable portable hard drive using USB.

This speeds up loading times on all games and allows me to play my rarer games like Metroid Prime Trilogy with abandon without a fear of harming the disc. I helped a roommate hack his Wii too because his disc drive was failing. Mine wasn't, but why risk it? This method is faster. And lazier.

EDIT: Yeah, there isn't a game that isn't improved by this. Metroid Prime games load instantly. Resident Evil 4 loads almost instantly. Sin and Punishment 2 loads almost instantly. Oh disc drive, why must you no longer be useful to me?

It also allows me to do other various things, such as play movie and music files and flex my emulation muscle when the desire grabs me. A surprising amount of options are supported.

Hurrah.

God Tier

2011-05-03T06:27:00.001-07:00

Name: Persona 3
Genre: Turn Based RPG/Social Sim
Year: 2007/2008/2010
System it's best on: PlayStation 2 (FES edition)
Why: An intricately designed adventure that features time and maturity over space and exploration, Persona 3 is an experience that combines a deep story, endless customization options, and a fast but deep battle system. Also, the soundtrack.

Name: Super Mario 64
Genre: 3D Platformer
Year: 1996
System it's best on: Nintendo 64 (downloaded on Wii)
Why: The open-ended levels of Super Mario 64 are unique - so unique that no other game in the entire medium can match their one-of-a-kind feel. Most games can only accomplish this in one or two areas, but Super Mario 64 does this with its fifteen sprawling levels without breaking a sweat. They're all different, some charming, some unsettling, but they're all a blast to play in.

Name: Paper Mario
Genre: Action Turn Based RPG
Year: 2001
System it's best on: Nintendo 64 (downloaded on Wii)
Why: Clever writing, a fantastic graphical theme that hasn't aged a hair and inspires the gameplay, and a battle system that somehow feels fresh no matter how long you play it.

Name: Resident Evil 4
Genre: Third Person Action
Year: 2005
System it's best on: Gamecube (the Wii version is baby mode)
Why: One of the most expertly designed action combat systems. Perfect level and enemy designs built around said system. The best weapons ever crafted for a video game. Flawless upgrades and monetary systems built around the combat systems. Automatically adjusting difficulty. Looks great. Sounds great. Animates amazingly even at 30 FPS. TWENTY HOUR campaign. No filler. Keeps the gameplay moving and changing as you go. Hilariously self aware script. Lovely in-on-the-joke voice acting. Perfect (but baby) Wii controls AND a great Gamecube controller experience. Together, this builds up to the best single player experience in years.

Name: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door
Genre: Action Turn Based RPG
Year: 2004
System it's best on: Gamecube
Why: More of the same from Paper Mario, but more refined with even more battle system complexity, a sillier script, and creativity most games can only dream of, all spread out to a jaw-dropping quest length that only shows off the game's (and developer's) consistency.

Name: Metroid Prime
Genre: First Person Adventure
Year: 2002
System it's best on: Gamecube or Wii (depending on control preference)
Why: Contains one of the greatest alien worlds ever made in any science fiction medium, while layering on the atmosphere and keeping the action constantly fresh. The greatest sound design in any game, soundtrack included, and still manages to look good (thanks to 60 FPS). Like Resident Evil 4, the Wii version controls flawlessly, but the Gamecube version is still great. In fact, the Gamecube version was the first sixth-generation video game I played, and boy did I pick the right one.

Name: Super Mario Galaxy 1 and 2
Genre: 3D Gravity Manipulation Platformer
Year: 2007 and 2010
System it's best on: Wii
Why: Endless creativity. Boundless imagination. Perfect level design. Epic scope. Both games will remind you why you started playing games in the first place. Second one is better, but I roped them together because they complement each other perfectly and neither deserve to be missed. 60 FPS.

Name: Pokemon Red/Blue
Genre: Turn Based Collection RPG
Year: 1996
System it's best on: Game Boy
Why: A simple romp with delightful monster characters and immaculate world design. So socially influential that everyone on the block was busy trading Pokemon with each other. It built a dazzlingly large world out of abysmally low-powered technology.

Name: Pokemon Silver/Gold/Crystal
Genre: Turn Based Collection RPG
Year: 2000
System it's best on: Game Boy/Game Boy Color
Why: Expands upon the creative mechanics first game in so many ways that it becomes an entirely different series within itself. Bafflingly, mind-crushingly huge. So much better than the later games in the series that it's hard to imagine it was the same developer. It went on to become a landmark in portable gaming, proving that battery-powered gizmos can offer meaty options as well despite the Game Boy's small hardware specifications.

Name: Elite Beat Agents
Genre: Music
Year: 2006
System it's best on: Nintendo DS
Why: Silly story, great music, simple mechanics. I'm a sucker for music games, but it's hard to argue that it gets any better than this. That darn Christmas one still makes me tear up.

Name: Deus Ex
Genre: First Person RPG
Year: 2000
System it's best on: PC
Why: Grants the player actual, compelling power over the story and the style of gameplay presented. Modern RPG's still have yet to master the scope and breadth of this game's vision, and while it didn't succeed at everything, it got farther than anybody else has tried.

Name: Unreal Tournament
Genre: Arena FPS
Year: 1999
System it's best on: PC
Why: Silly and fast arena battles. Has awesome weapons, dozens of time-tested maps and a great soundtrack. Has a unique and powerful feel that no other game has touched, including its sequel, making it the go-to for pure deathmatch and simple brawls.

Name: Unreal Tournament 2004
Genre: Arena FPS
Year: 2004
System it's best on: PC
Why: Upgrades the original to such a content heavy degree that few people will ever see every nook and cranny of this vast and epic shooter. New mode types, extra match options, a dizzying array of maps, great graphics, the list goes on.

Which version of Resident Evil 4 is the best?

2011-03-26T05:40:00.000-07:00

Gamecube
-Great lighting effects
-Good looking texture, models, and environments
-A little washed out color and no true widescreen (though it can do progressive scan)
-The controls are arguably the best pad system
-Two discs

PlayStation 2
-Downgraded textures, lighting, models, detail, etc. (more or less everything)
-Downgraded audio
-Better widescreen mode
-Dualshock 2 works just fine, but Gamecube pad is better
-Contains extra content (which is okay)
-Performance is just as good as any other version (locked at 30 FPS)
-One disc

PC Version
-High resolution
-Based on the Playstation 2 version, so unimpressive visuals
-Without mods, it doesn't even support mice
-With mods, it can be wrangled into being somewhat okay, but still worse than the Gamecube due to the lack of shaders and lighting support in the engine build

Nintendo Wii
-Has Gamecube graphics (widescreen mode is just a zoom function, not true widescreen like PS2)
-Can be played with Wii Remote (makes the game easier but is a joy to behold), classic controller or Gamecube pad
-Contains the PS2 extra content (at PS2 graphics level)
-Playing this in an emulator with a powerful PC will probably be the best we're ever going to get
-One disc

Xbox 360/Playstation 3
-Out now
-Downloadable over XBLA and PSN
-Gamecube version in high definition

Five Hour Impressions of Resident Evil 4

2011-03-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

Today became a landmark in my gaming history: it was the first day I ever bought another copy of a game I already own.

I started the PlayStation 2 version of Resident Evil 4 a while ago, but now, finally, is it truly apparent why and how this game gathers its accolades. It takes time to understand the game and how brilliant it is. I bought another copy because while the graphics and sound quality of the PlayStation 2 version are serviceable, they're nowhere close to the fantastic Gamecube version, which is why, after enjoying the game for five hours, I decided to go grab a cheap copy before they become rare and hard to find. Mark my words: the original version will be as collectible above anything else from its generation, purely on the strength of the game alone.

The testament to this is that while I still have a strong urge to press onwards in the PS2 edition, I have an equally loud voice in my head telling me to start over in the Gamecube one instead. The game's replay value truly shines in this regard. It isn't until you play the game a second time that you realize just how dynamic the game becomes: the branching paths, the open combat, the purchasing systems and the dynamic difficulty that lowers or raises the enemy count and health depending on your performance. Goodness me, the open combat. That deserves a paragraph within itself.

The game lets you decide how you want to play. The most notable example of this is the opening encounter, where Leon S. Kennedy fights off a village of villagers who, while not necessarily zombie-like, shamble forth with dangerous weapons and a variety of attacks. It's purely "stay alive" when it comes to the macro-objective, but within that you really have a variety of options to consider. There's a house with a shotgun in it, but if you enter that house it triggers a chainsaw wielding monster. Risk versus reward comes into play. When I tried out the Gamecube version for the first time, I ran for the shotgun and then took the fight to the village rooftops, popping pistol rounds into kneecaps and controlling crowds with the occasional shotgun blast. Eventually they swarmed me, so I fled and took a vantage point inside a shed where I could pick them off one by one.

What's great about this game is that every encounter feels like this. It changes based on the weapons you're using, the upgrades you chose for those weapons, your performance in the game thus far, and how you decide to approach the environment. While the game's controls feel wonky initially, they reveal themselves purely through game design - the way in which the villagers move and the way in which the environment is situated directly influences the obvious success of the game's control scheme. Within an hour, the controls are second nature, and that's when the game starts getting varied, throwing new encounter after new encounter into the fray. And it never lets up. Not once. Always changing, always inventive, and often terrifyingly clever.

I don't consider this a review because I have not completed the entire game (though NeoGAF's populace assures me that not only is it twenty hours long, but it's consistently awesome throughout) but as far as I'm concerned the first five hours are better than anything the current generation of consoles have offered us, including its sequel.

On another note, having completed and enjoyed Resident Evil 1 about two years ago, I'm pleased by the game's self aware storyline, which both acknowledges the campy direction Resident Evil was going as well as showing every other game how to truly reference, homage, and also poke fun at horror movie tropes. Leon S. Kennedy is the perfect main character, offering zippy one liners such as "You're small time" or "No thanks, bro" to his often equally subtle and hilarious villains. The game's voice acting delivers these lines with aplomb, sealing their place forever in video game fandom.

Oh, and also, while the PlayStation 2 version looks pretty impressive for the hardware (and has excellent performance, which is great), it's nothing to the Gamecube version. Good lord the lighting. The Wii version is probably the definitive version at this point, due to the fact that it contains the superior graphics of the Gamecube edition and the special content of the PlayStation 2 version, combined with the ability to use a Gamecube controller or Wii remote. The PC version is a port of the PS2 version and even with mods simply doesn't match up. Time will tell if the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 versions are worth purchasing, but right now, aim for Nintendo consoles if possible.

I can't talk this game up enough, but as I progress through the game I will surely attempt to do so. Stay tuned.

Burn My Dread - Persona 3/Persona 3 FES (PS2)

2010-08-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

Persona 3 kicks off with several hours of exposition, featuring lavishly drawn anime cutscenes, go-get-'em male protagonists, busty chicks in tight school clothing, and lines upon lines of dialogue read to you in well casted and produced voice overs. The function for this is simple: if Persona 3 threw you into its tangled yet orderly structure of balancing social simulation with fast-paced Dragon Quest-meets-Roguelike JRPG battling, the game would have been chucked out of more windows than when Metal Gear Solid fans learned the second game didn't feature Snake as the playable protagonist for the second and far larger act. (Oh, spoiler alert, sorry)

Don't let the game's childish exterior fool you into a state of complacency. Underneath the cartoon children with massive eyes and weirdly emotive dialogue portraits, you will find a JRPG that neither commands another comparison, suggests another peer, nor has a minute to waste. What kicks off as a technically uninteresting PlayStation 2 game where you press the X button every few seconds blossoms into an experience that can only be undeniably called the JRPG done right.

Your virtual doppelganger -named by the player, naturally - is a male student transferring to a new private high school whose name starts with a G and ends in some scary combination of letters I'll never learn how to pronounce. As he steps off the train to find his newly assigned dorm room, the city's clock strikes midnight. Things go past sour - it turns out that at midnight an extra hour is inserted where every man, woman and child freezes in time and space, oblivious to the fact that an ominous coffin has appeared around their body. Shadow creatures roam the streets, and for the unlucky souls that find themselves without a coffin, a distinctly violent end is in their future.

Our protagonist rushes to the dorm room as the world around him turns green and black, with buildings exploding and reforming, and pulsating green mist floating everywhere. Darkness lurks in every place the moonlight doesn't touch. Just as our player reaches the dorm room, the spell passes, and the world goes back to the way it was. The player begins to try and explain what he saw to his new guests in his dorm, but without success (mainly because he rarely speaks, aside from Bioware-esque dialogue trees). Little does he know that the dorm he was assigned to secretly knows about the shadows in this dark hour, and fights them with the power of Personas, a collectible physical manifestation of a person's mental well-being. Personas are summoned by shooting a Evoker (a gun without bullets) into the user's own head, which makes for a shocking opening few hours but ends up weighing into the plot with heavy significance as to how this struggle is affecting its characters.

The plot harbors its distinctly Japanese taste with style, keeping around the fascinating culture but translating anything that wouldn't make sense to a Western or European audience with aplomb. The story thickens dramatically around the half-way point and goes into overdrive mode near the end, and even throughout the quiet moments the game drops gobs of symbolism, references and thematic elements that make Persona 3 one of the most delightfully thoughtful and purposeful games I've ever played. Few games have become as powerful as this game becomes in its second and final acts.

Part of me was slightly disappointed at the purely aesthetic nature of the game; the story oozes creativity and talent, but a small nagging voice suggests that this game would have been better off with, say, a Twilight Princess art style. The game's faintly isometric view point and low-key technical prowess certainly don't tax the PlayStation 2 much. The game is more concerned with a progression of time rather than space, and it shows. Environments are limited, and character models are reused often.

However, the variety and depth of animation in this game is certainly sufficient, and at times impressive. The creativity displayed in the art design, character drawings and monster battles are above and beyond most games and even other forms of visual media. The music accents the mood with a unique soundtrack that sounds like absolutely no game before it (though repetition does grate on the ears after the twenty-hour mark). But this is a petty issue; the game is filled with so much content that yelling at Persona for mediocre visuals is like yelling at a paperback copy of Ulysses because the font they chose wasn't very good. This game has so much going on that the visuals are the least of your worries.

As a transfer student, your player must quickly acclimate to the society of his new high school. On the very first day, one of your female dorm members escorts you to the premises, and almost immediately the two of you become the talk of the town as a rumored item. As you start to integrate yourself into this complicated world of drama and obligations, you start to see that your dorm of shadow-fighting Power Rangers contains the most powerful, intelligent, and well respected students in the school. Coming to school with one of them certainly didn't hurt your popularity much. It's hard not to feel a smug sense of elitist accomplishment for doing absolutely nothing, but then again, that's what video games are about most of the time.

The game's social structure builds very slowly but eventually becomes compelling to the point of comparisons with Civilization. Your character often will be assaulted by overly-friendly classmates who want to be your friend, sports organizations that would die for your interaction, clubs that thrive on cool members like yourself, and lonely girls who want someone to walk them home on a quiet afternoon. As you begin to sign up for these social interactions, you start to feel the pressure coming from all sides. Every afternoon is a slot to be filled - how do you fill it? The student senate needs help with various projects. The swim team expects you in your top physical condition, so maybe you should practice with your water buddies. Your friends and romantic interests want your company - you're a good listener who only talks when someone asks a question. Eventually the two key thesis statements of the game begin to set in. For one, you pick your own pace of social interaction, and any pain inflicted on yourself from a million different obligations is your own damn fault. Secondly, there just aren't enough open afternoons in the day.

Why bother with any of this? Well, the game's pacing suggests it, which we'll discuss in a minute. Secondly, these social interactions create social links. As your web of influence grows in the school, your mental self-image grows as well, and as a result your Persona abilities become stronger. Within the vast array of options to consider every afternoon, your stats could increase in some fashion, or you could unlock new attacks, powers and types of Personas to aid you in your fight against the fiendish shadows. This whole system certainly offers some interesting social commentary on the usefulness of friendship, both positive and negative, which some players may find interesting.

This all becomes useful because very night during the Dark Hour, the school you attend in the daytime slowly morphs, Tim Burton style, into a massive tower filled to the brim with evil shadows to be defeated, mysteries to be explored, and loot to collect. This part of the game plays like a combination of Dragon Quest and Nethack, and it's a fast, brutal, and often satisfying RPG romp. Levels are randomly constructed mazes that lead into stairs that go higher and higher up this massive tower, which the game calls Tartarus. Shadows roam the halls, and they will often attack if they think they can win, or flee if you're too powerful. Battles take place on a separate screen similar to the Final Fantasy games predating the MMO-like transition, but the pace of these battles is extraordinarily quick and nimble, making the entire combat system a rewarding exploratory grind that never quite feels as repetitive as it really is.

Of course, you're still a student. You have to get up every morning for school, study for tests, and keep your other party members in shape. Often the limits on how far you can climb up Tartarus are the limits of your scrawny youngsters - after two dozen battles or so, they'll complain of being fatigued and want to go back to bed. In this state, their attack and defence is decreased, and they'll take a lot longer to stand back up if a monster knocks them down. Few PlayStation 2 games can match the unique terror of running about Tartarus with a fully fatigued party, looking frantically for an exit.

This all sounds rather overwhelming at first, but the game's unassuming beginning turns into a blessing in disguise. The plot development slowly ladles these advancements to you until you're juggling six balls at once without really thinking about it. Additionally, Persona 3's plot advances in a regular timer, with key story elements always falling on a full moon. This allows the player to keep everything in check. By the time the next full moon appears, the player should be strong enough to battle whatever new experience the game might throw his way, and should have explored all of the section of Tartarus that was available to him. The game's overarching pace is only as fast as the player chooses it to be - while the game's plot progress is distinctly linear, the rails come off completely between full moons. You know what you have to accomplish, and there are several dozen different ways you can accomplish it. You just have to get stronger.

The game remains deep, and at times to its own detriment. This is not a game for everyone; it takes a lot of time, effort, and work to beat Persona 3. But I'll be damned if I didn't enjoy every single moment of it. It was seriously fun, and I found myself underestimating how much enjoyment I'd get out of even the smallest things. Every nook and cranny has something fun, new, or funny to play with, and the meaning behind nearly every line of dialogue is often overwhelming. The game is not hard, but it is large and some people will simply be put off of its breadth.

I purchased the FES version of Persona 3 for several reasons; the main reason being that they still sell it new at a good price. For anyone who wants to make a good Ebay investment would be well advised to pick this gem up, considering the illogical combination of the series' popularity and relative obscurity (the former triggered by this game's unexpected acclaim, critical and from the fan base). But the FES edition adds an extra "Hard" mode that has earned its name, extra Personas, and most notably, an entirely new expansion pack-like campaign that adds even more content onto this enormously long game. Few RPG's make a sixty-hour playtime feel inadequate, but Persona's replayability and lost possibilities makes a second run-through practically mandatory. A second, far harder campaign approaches a misdemeanour offence.

This all adds up to an experience that has yet to be matched. Comparisons require entire lists of games, and a genre description would use more dashes than a Pokemon racing mini-game. Uniqueness is not a trait commonly associated with Japanese-made role playing games, and yet here we have a lovingly crafted, extraordinarily well told adventure that is unlike any game on the PlayStation 2 (save Persona 4). Pick it up before it becomes two hundred dollars on Ebay.

More This Just In

2010-01-26T12:15:00.000-08:00

These are the TGI's that I didn't post here yet. This Just In is my series of game satire I post on my Gamespot blog.

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Holidaze, USA - Retailers have been gearing up for the expected rush that is about to stream into stores now that the fabled holiday season is approaching, and the new sought-after items this season, they anticipate, will drive the economy into the green. The highest on this venerable list are the gaming industry's latest output, which retailers state will move more merchandise than any past year.

"The, like, new gaming consoles, are, like, like, really, like, awesome, and stuff," said Gregg Steinhafel, chairman of the Target Corportation. "These things, are like, they are like, they speak to the, like, kids, you know? Like, you know? So, yeah. Dude, it's gunna be, like, so sweet."

"Aa aaaa a aaaa aaaa aaaaaa aaaa aaaa," said Mike Duke, CEO of Wal-Mart Stores Inc. in a press release today. "Aa aaa aaaa aaaaaaa aa aaa aaaa a aaaaaaa aaaaa aa aaaaa. Aaaaa aaa. PS. To save money for our valued customers this year we only used one letter in our press release. Cuttinsavins! Cuttinsavinsgahlor!"

"B-b-buy used g-g-games," said Dick Fontaine, executive chairman of the Gamestop corporation, in an interview last afternoon. "W-w-we're certain t-th-that the new markets o-o-opening up online w-w-won't decrease the u-u-used game m-m-market at all! Noneatallnosiree!"

Brick and morter retailers aren't the only ones gearing up for these new sources of revenue, however.

When asked for a respince to the sales and increased profit gained from this new season, a representative for popular retor gaming website GOG.com had this to say: "IT'S RAINING MONEY! HAHAHAHA OH MY LORD LOOK AT THE MONEY COME DOWN!"

We then approahced Valve for a statement on their successes with Steam.

"Nah, we'z cool az ice," said the head of Valve, Gabe Newell, through gold teeth and a slight clink of expensive diamond bracelets. "Cee, we iz gotz a lotz of salez comzinz up for da consumerz of dis nation, and we are lookinz forwardz to seein increased profitz. Peeze, man. Peeze the Freeman out."

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School Playground, Nanny State - Today the United States government passed legislation that would keep the nasty, slimy children that plague the city streets out of the harmless video games, said a spokesperson for the ESA today.

"We're very pleased to announce this new law, drafted by attorney Tack Jompson, has been made official," said Mike Gallagher, president of the ESA, in a private interview with This Just In. "Those filthy little whippersnappers have been eradicated from the games industry entirely, and we feel that now that this has been made law, the industry can continue its high level of quality. Children and video games make a dangerous combination, and we're happy and a fiddle to report the games industry has finally been freed from such an oppressive lack of age, hormones, and bills to pay."

TGI: How do you feel this law will benefit the games industry directly?

Gallagher: Well, as you and me both know, the children of this nation - a bunch of mud slinging imbeciles, if you ask me - have gone far too long with games made for them. In fact, they even sneak into games that weren't made for children, such as Halo 4: Not Again or Gears of War 3: No Homo All of this sneaking and playing games that aren't for them - it needs to stop! I haven't seen such a blatant widespread abuse of social morality since those drunk college kids messed around with Indigo Prophecy back in '06.

TGI: Is the children problem that severe?

Gallagher: Oh, yes! One developer even tried making a child version of the game included in the disc, with anime styled characters and a nonsense script, and they still went to the non-children part of the game. These kids love to jump over every line they're given - like they think it's a stupid game of hopscotch or something. After the bill goes live every snot-nosed ten year old who fires up his father's copy of Grand Theft Auto: Kill All Kid Rampage will find himself staring down a gray jail cell wall with handcuffs on his wrists and a serial rapist named Bubba groping his backside.

TGI: Then the penalties for this offence will be quite severe?

Gallagher: You betcha. Those kids better stay in the part of gaming where they belong. Of course they won't, because they're all stupid little brats, but then again, the fines they create can go toward the budget deficit. Better those fools don't get to save up money to go to college.

TGI: Moving on. Don't you feel that it's the parents' responsibility to keep their child from playing games their kids shouldn't be playing?

Gallagher: A parent? What's that?

TGI: A caretaker? You know the person who keeps the kids well fed?

Gallagher: So those vicious things eat? Like buzzards or vultures or something?

TGI: No, I mean the people who gave birth to the child.

Gallagher: Now you're just pulling my leg, I know you are.

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Sony Corp. has a suit files against them in the US court today, which took issue with the recent advertisement campaign and stated the the popular Playstation 3 console could not, in fact, do everything.

"I just gone down to mah Wal-mart for some milk and beer," said Brenda Johnson, a co-author of the charges leveled against Sony. "I saw them commericals for this Playstation thing, you know, and they just gone lied. It aint done nothin but make pictures appear on mah television screen."

Head attourny of the case, Tack Jompson, has this to say on the subject.

"The PlayStation 3, unlike the advertisements proclaimed, does not do everything. There are lots of things it does not do. For example, do the laundry. Or how about partaking in a biased debate on live national TV? Or even write a best selling novel based on the famous cases it took to court and won in a landslide? Yes, these are just a few of the more compelling examples of what the PlayStation 3 cannot do."

We offered the opinion that Sony was using humor and hyperbole in the advertisements.

"Hyperbole?" laughed Jompson. "What the hell is that, some sort of super fruit juice?"

"I fink I got summin in mah teeth," said Brenda Johnson in response to Jompson's response. "Hold on, I got a tooth pick I saved from last week in mah poket somewere."

In Review: Call of Duty PC Demo

2009-12-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

I think it was, maybe, six months ago, yeah, that I played, very quickly, through the demo for Call of Duty 4 for the PC. So in this review, after I'm done telling you about what I'm going to talk to you about today, I'm going to walk you through all five parts of the demo and then you will be able to find out whether the demo was a goal or a bust. Read on for more information on this software.

Developer: Infinity Ward

Publisher: Activision

System: PC (also on 360, PS3 and Wii, and there's a Mac port too)

Genre: FPS (First person shooter)

Players: 1, but the full game has like 16 players I think

Download website: Gamer's Hell

Demo size: 1.6 GB

It lasted: ten minutes

System requirements: Maybe a dual core? Lots of Ram I guess?

Voice acting: yes

Graphics:

The graphics of Call of Duty 4 are very good. On my laptop they looked a little bit muddy and soft so that I could play the game without it being choppy, but if you were to go see some screenshots of the game (you can go look, I will wait) then you would see a very polished look that is very nice. I think it looks best on the PC, as long as you don't have a weak laptop like I do. In summary, the graphics were very good.

Gameplay:

The gameplay was very good.

Sound:

The sound was very good. It was very noisy because I was in a war zone with lots of shooting, battles, and yelling. I think the bad guys were speaking in an authentic terrorist langauge, though I'm not sure. Everything sounded like it would in real life, though, and the sound was very well made. In summary, the sound was very good.

Replay:

The replay value was not very good. Because it was a demo, the game wasn't very well suited for replaying, unless you wanted to play the demo again to make sure the game was as good as you thought it was (hint: it was just as good as you thought it was, yes!). There's not a whole lot of places to go off of the main path of the battling, so every playthrough of the demo will be pretty much the same. In summary, the replay is not good.

Value:

The value of the game was not very good. It was a demo and only lasted for ten minutes. It took me a day to download this demo and it only lasted for ten minutes! That was a very bad value.

Graphics again:

Sorry, but I wanted to talk about the graphics some more. Because when I looked at the Wii version, I wanted to say that the PC version even looked better than the Wii version! I think the PC version looked better than the consoles because of the more detailed soldiers and some cooler effects.

Other stuff:

The player's guide:

Because this was a demo, you don't really need a player's guide.

Suggested similar games:

The full version of Call of Duty 4? I don't know, this doesn't really apply to this game.

Buy, rent or skip:

You should just downlaod this demo. You can't really buy or rent a demo. It doesn't cost anything, except for your internet access and your modem and everything else, though if you're connected to the internet to read this review then I don't think it matters.

Box art:

The box art just has a guy with a gun running forward. Wait, that's for the full game. The demo doesn't have a box.

Final ratings (out of 10,000):

Graphics: 9648

Gameplay: 8796

Sound: 7649.17

Replay: 1548.31826

Value: 586

Player's guide: 10

Bot art: 25

Buy, rent, skip: download

Final score: 8790 (out of 10,000)

the good:

-the game looks very good.

-the game plays very good.

-the game sounds very good.

the bad:

-the game doesn't last very long

-the game doesn't replay very good

-the game doesn't have a player's guide

-the game doesn't have box art

-the game didn't look good on my laptop

Final score: 8790

Converted for helpful comparisons:

Gamespot-like score: 8.5

1-up.com score: B

Metacritic score: 85%

In summary, Call of Duty 4 demo is a good game. Thank you for reading my review.

Final Fantasy X Predictions

2009-12-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

This is what I am guessing will happen in FFX. I am currently halfway through the Thunder Plains. I do not know what really happens.

The party arrives to Macadamia and finds Seymour, who looks about as stupid as he did before (maybe even stupider?). Yuna dumps him and regains her self confidence so that she can actually complete a sentence that doesn't involve ellipsis.

Unfortunately, Seymour is actually a rejected Dragonball Z character in disguise, and attempts to coax the Heroes into battling in a cel-shaded fighting game. the party accepts and kicks butt, but not before dramatic closeups of characters staring at beautiful scenery. During the battle it is revealed that Rikku is actually a Replicant from Blade Runner, and is an Al Quida-metaphor that attempts to kill herself so that her god-less ways will triumph over all that is Good and Just. She does not succeed - her attack is merely an excuse for the animators to make another gorgeous CGI cutscene where Auron does something badass that he should be doing during boss fights in gameplay and not just in pretty movies.

The team journeys into the temple, and Tidus accidentally comes in AGAIN for like the SEVENTEENTH MILLION TIME, and this temple looks sort of like Tron except with more than four colors (most of these colors dedicated to Tidus' wardrobe). the temple priest yells as Tidus for being so stupid and terrible, and to repent Tidus must stop using copius amounts of hair care products and also stop wearing a skateboarder cap to bed every night. Tidus finally stops looking like an idiot and Yuna falls in love with him, and they make out for about a third of the game.

Yuna gets another summon that's awesome, by the way. She uses it in a boss fight and everyone gasps at its might and magesty. I check my PS2 to make sure it isn't secretly streaming PS3 graphics over our internet connection. After this intensity Wakka says something racist or bigoted and everyone looks at him as if he just said the world's most beautiful philosophy. The player is forced to sigh and say, "It was because he lost his brother," even though we all know that Wakka's just annoying - sort of like that old racist on the internet that trolls message boards about how a Chinese-made ball of yarn "killed" his cat, except that everyone seems to think he's actually full of insight rather than race-fueled hatred.

The Heroes continue along their quest and Auron finally reveals that the person who kills Sin turns into Sin. everyone looks very serious and probably poops their pants (however, even with Square Enix, the PS2 is unable to render such madness - Metal Gear solid 4, on the other hand, proves that the PS3's power shall not go to waste. Well, actually, maybe it will go to waste!). This is why "I hate you Dad" is actually Sin - he stopped being so nasty to people, cried about how mean he was to his kid, and sacrificed himself to Sin. Tidus stops having flashbacks and proceeds to stop caring about his "I hate you dad" woes.

Tidus also grabs Auron by the ridiculously high collar on his coat and demands to know why he spent this long hinting and prodding towards something that was so stupid and silly that nobody would have given it a second thought. Auron kicks Tidus' ass and leaves him in the dust. Yuna continues to make out with his unconcious body. Lulu approves of this arrangement, though she never says it outright (she simply nods and winks and smiles for several hours). Wakka says something racist, and everyone laughs.

Sin shows up, Yuna protects Tidus' fallen but kiss-ridden body with her summoning, and the team battles the massive whale thing for like a million hours. Tidus wakes up, and, still tired and stoned out of his mind, thinks that it would be super hot of him to jump into Sin and destroy the thing from the inside, and that Yuna would totally love him. So he leaps in and is never seen from again. Sin is defeated because of the love between Tidus and Yuna, and also because if FFX was any longer people would start getting angry.

Yuna is sad that Tidus is gone, but realizes that without his skateboarder Oedipus complex getting in the way she might actually get her own game. She does, it sucks, everyone laughs, credits roll.

The end.

In Review #1

2009-12-04T20:25:00.000-08:00

Space Rangers 2 is a new experience, one that combines the deft exploration of Star Control II, the genre discarding methods of the average, typical Wii game, the action and fun combat of a game like Transcendence, the dialogue of a game like Knights of the Old Republic or Mass Effect (or any Bioware game, for that matter), and the seemingly limitless world of games like Galactic Civilizations. It manages to craft a compelling experience, and in the same sort of tone that recent masterpieces like Bioshock and Batman: Arkham Asylum nailed, furthers a world so unique and enjoyable that it's hard to ignore.

In the vein of the X series of space combat flight simulators, Space Rangers II offers a wide world to explore - not unlike the Elder Scrolls RPG series, the game is completely non linear, and allows the gamer to hunt down other rangers (sort of like the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. series), complete main quests, or battle other AI controlled enemies (with advanced AI not seen since the Unreal series, and approaching the well crafted Enemy Territory: Quake Wars combatants!). Unlike the usual space combat sim, however, Space Rangers II uses a top-down view of the area, like Galaga, Asteroids, or Space Invaders, giving the game a very nice retro feeling that evokes an excellence not heard of since New Super Mario Bros. Wii or even Mega Man 9. Rest assured, however, that Space Rangers II goes out of its way to feel unique, out of the crowd, and certainly fresh, regardless of its trappings.

What makes the game even neater, and in a twist that reminds one of the oft maligned Battlecruiser 3000 series, gamers can disembark their ship and explore planets to complete missions in various challenges. The best one by far echoes the gameplay sty1e of Sacrifice and Mechwarrior on the Xbox, where the player pilots a large mechanized unit and is throw into a battle with a wide variety of units to command. But don't think it's like StarCraft or Command and Conquer - far from it! Rather, it's more like the strategic missions of Giants: Citizen Kabuto, or the multiplayer of the popular game Brutal Legend, empowering players to control themselves while also controlling an entire army. It's not as deep as something like the 1998 version of Battlezone (not to be confused with the older Battlezone on arcades!) but manages to pull off its own version of an idea that really cannot measure well against anything else.

In conclusion, Space Rangers II continues the fine tradition of excellent PC games that explore the boundaries of space, walking down the halls of games like FreeSpace 2, Descent, Masters of Orion, System Shock 2, Dead Space, Dead Space: Extraction, Metroid, Sins of a Solar Empire, Shattered Horizon, EVE Online, Spore, Homeworld, Freelancer, Darkstar One, and many many more. It's presentation, gameplay, and atmosphere is unique, enjoyable, and completely stands apart from the crowd. An excellent offering.

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Japanese mythology, cell shaded graphics, unique gaming mechanics, oh my! You need not look for from the foot of the tree to see where this apple had fallen - it's roots are engrained deeply into good old games like Legend of Zelda. Okami is a compelling, unique and entertaining experience that offers sweaty mitts literally dozens of hours of gameplay time, and you can take that to the bank.

It may sound like the pot calling the kettle black to say that Legend of Zelda is only slightly more innovative than Okami, and in most respects it rings of truth. Time and time again Okami does a give and take, fully realizing its gritty, core gamer messages and truly engrossing world. Immersive paradigm shifts carry equal weight to the perspective given through multiple offerings. Never lay an egg too far from its hen, it is said, and Okami proves why this is true. Its cinematic detail it through the roof, and it's a Zeldsa killer to its blood. It blows it out of the water with visceral action and an unheard of level of polish.

Unlike yet another World War II shooter, Okami mamages to become a sum of its parts well enough to make any parent proud, and it belongs in any serious gamer's catalogue. All in all, in the end, Okami is an evolution, not a revolution, shaken, not stirred, and paints a wonderful picture that is perfect for the casual gamer. Only time will tell if it bests its best mate.

This Just In - Archive

2009-11-23T07:42:00.000-08:00

Death Row, Texas - At approximately 10:42 AM this morning, the video game industry was pronounced dead after a long, painful session of false hopes and broken dreams.

"It was too late," said Doctor Gubernik, head of the medical staff where the Industry was held. "By the time someone decided to bring him in, profits were down, morale was just dead, and the economy had beat it up pretty bad. There was nothing we could do."

There were many visitors to the near empty hospital room. Nintendo made a surprise visit an hour before the Industry closed its eyes, but refused to speak to the press until the ordeal was over.

"I...I don't know what I'll do now," said Nintendo a few minutes after the Industry passed away. "It's like I'm nothing without Video Games. When else can I do? I feel empty inside."

Sony and Microsoft also appeared to mourn their lost Industry, but arrived only an hour after it had passed away.

When we asked for a comment, Microsoft asked us, "What did Nintendo say?"

Sony, in contrast, grabbed our dutiful reporter by the shoulder and said, "Our grief is unbearable. It's huge. It's like the size of $300. Can you believe me when I say this? $300. That's just a huge amount of grief."

Other developers in the late Industry also paid their respects over the course of an hour.

"WE HUGH ARE VERY VERY HUGH UNHAPPY TO SEE SUCH A YOUNG, SPRY HUGH AND POENTIAL FILLED LAD COME TO HIS END SO QUICKLY JUST AS HE REACHED HUGH HUUUUUUUUUUH HIS PRIME," said an EA representative. "WE ONLY HOPE THAT HUGH THINGS CAN GET BACK TO HUGH NORMAL AFTER HUUUUUUUUUUUUH THIS TRAGIC DEATH."

"Have you played Modern Warfare 2 yet?" Activision asked us. "I hear that's a really popular thing these days."

"We'll bring him back!" shouted Capcom in our faces. "And it'll be the Super Mega Untra Video Game SUPER COOL Industry Alpha Beta Omega Prime Ultra 14!"

"Where the **** is Sega?!" demanded Ubisoft. "They did this, I know they did this. Just one more ******* Sonic game, huh, Sega. Just one more piece of crap won't hurt anyone! And look what ******* happens. Dammit I swear I'm going to go Altair on their *****."

(Sega did not appear to mourn the Industry's death.)

The only one to stay for the entire duration, before and after the death of the industry, was the PC.

"It's been so long," said the PC several hours after the entire ordeal, after the guests had come and gone. "The rest of the industry has ben trying to kill me off for years. Gosh, me and nintendo never had bad blood, and we just cried and pulled ourselves together and made it through. But let me tell you - I'll never forgive those bastards to deserted me and the Industry when they saw fit. Never."

The funeral has been scheduled for Friday.

---

Reggie Fils-Aime's Diary - November 2nd, 2009

7:42 AM

Dear Diary,

So far, I have: number one, taken the dog out for a walk, number two, made some coffee, number three, kicked some asses and took some names, and then number four, ate a waffle. Well, that's not entirely true. I drank an uncooked waffle, prepared in the smoothie mixer with two raw eggs and a PlayStation 2. I still have some Sony stuck in my teeth. Gross.

I turned on my custom-made Nintendo Wii and checked the news, which took about twenty minutes to load, which is about twice as fast as most days. Then I saw the headline: Nintendo Profit Slumps.

aaaaaaaaaaARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

REGGIE BE BACK. REGGIE KILL IWATA.

-

9:32 AM

Dear Diary,

I travelled to the Nintendo headquarters and kicked some more ass. Iwata's bleeding all over the DSWare team and it's really gross.

So anyway I got to the headquarters and I went up to him and I grabbed him by his puny little man neck and I said REGGIE ANGRY.

And he was like, Don't hurt me, we've still got like a million sales this month, don't worry, Reggie.

And I was like, okay, number one, do not call me Reggie, I am called the Supreme Wii around here, and number two, don't you forget it, and number three, if we didn't really get a million sales this month then I won't get my daily Playstation 2 intake, and if I don't get my intake then I get pissy, and that was number four by the way, and number five, your hair smells very nice, what shampoo did you use this morning?

And he just smiled all of a sudden and said, well it was some nice discount at a salon where I, when I slugged him across the jaw and he just flew like a bird. And then he started crying and saying that I had a WiiHD motherboard in the hand that I punched him with and that it cut his cheek and I threw the motherboard out the window and said, I don't know what you're talking about.

Time to check e-mail.

-

12:47 AM

Dear Diary,

So yeah that bastard Steve Ballmer sent me an e-mail and was like, haha, your Wii ain't so large now is it.

I asked him if his XBox 360 was running. I can't wait until he e-mails me back, because when he does I'll tell him then he better go call the fire department before his house burns down. Hahahaha, oh I crack myself up sometimes.

So I had a few questions about the news about Nintendo's falling profits, and I gave the standard economics 101 response, "Oh, sure, while the derivative of your profits is certainly negative, the profits themselves are positive, and the double prime version of our profits chart show that this is just a minor dip until Christmas where we massively pummel everything else. You gotta look at the macroeconomics, not the microeconomics, seriously, Google this stuff, people."

I'm not going to tell them that the graph I speak of is a picture of a banana I drew on Wednesday to inspire the Donkey Kong team. Something the dirty press doesn't need to know.

So I went down to the Wii Fit team before lunch and tortured them a bit for that Wii fit parody somebody posted on YouTube a few years ago (I will NEVER let them FORGET) and then proceeded to make myself seen, but not heard, around Nintendo HQ.

For lunch, I ate another PlayStation 2. This one was grilled. I was still hungry, though, so I ate an original Xbox for dessert. I hope I have room for supper now.

---

Off the Coast of Johnney Depp, USA - Several video game companies have formed a coalition to fight the evil and villainy that is video game piracy, their first step of which is to release a public service announcement which was revealed tonight.

"We're very proud of our commercial," said the companies when asked for comment. "We feel that it is very public offering orange banana fruitcake muffin. Tire flabbier constipation gubernatorial election."

The advertisement features a young hipster who looks similar to the popular actor Justin Long, who portrayed the Macintosh computer in the Apple commercials. The actor tells his life in a short narrative, where he turns to drugs, then crime, and then finally, the most evil of them all, copyright infringement.

"I was wild," says the Long-lookalike in the ad. "I was downloading as much as I possibly could. I even had two bittorrents running at once. I paid for Usenet. I PAID FOR USENET, DAMMIT."

The ad is being funded by an immediate spike in prices for video games, a press release said today. All games will now cost $170, in addition to your left kidney if you live in countries other than the United States. Furthermore, said the press release, to maximize profits, the only way to obtain games will now be through pre-ordering.

"We will be able to use a very thorough vetting process that will take weeks. If a user has not seen the ad, he or she will be forced to watch the video ten times in a row. No breaks. Sort of like Apple.com, except with less white matte finish."

GameStop, the popular video game retailer, was very pleased by this development, citing the fact that they didn't care about anything other than pre-orders anyway.

"We're remaking our business plans as I speak," said GameStop CEO Mark Hillenburg as papers flutters and loud crashes into the phone receiver. "Used games are a bunch of nonsense anyway. Who ever heard of selling a game for way more profit? I mean, ridiculous, right?"

The coalition of game companies, named TCOGC, agreed.

"Purple ostrich gangbusters dynamite," a spokesperson said. "Offer notebook fourteen cookie dough ice cream."

---

Atlanta, Forgia - Today the developer of the upcoming blockbuster video game masterpiece extravaganza, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2: Redux: One More Time: Hardened Edition: Remix, sent out a press release indicating that the PC version will be a shadow of its former self.

"We believe that PC gamers want something less than the far superior console video gamers on the market today," said Activision. "To make this a reality, first we started with removing dedicated servers so that their experience is tied to our buggy pile of pancakes we call a server. Then we simply began removing features in order of importance."

The features it claims to have removed is as follows: a server browser, a matchmaker, every texture in the game except two, every piece of dialogue, the soundtrack, the multiplayer functionality, and finally, the single player campaign. The game is also going to be tied, not only to StarForce's infamous DRM scheme, but also to Steam, SecuROM, and finally, EA's recent Shake-and-Claw (TM) measure.

"We're also pleased to announce that the game now costs $75. That's nearly fifteen dollars over the console version!" enthused the press release.

Gaming industry press and development veterans were quick to comment on the recent news.

"IT'S WUNDERFOOOL!!!!" screamed IGN on their blog as usual.

"We have it on the authority of the raccoon shaped hole in the frost on my window that tomorrow they're also going to make those two textures high resolution," said Kotaku. "Like, a gazillion pixals."

Gamespot did not cover the event, and had no idea that it was occuring. They said, "Oh, we'll probably find out that it all happened tomorrow. What's the rush?"

Joystiq yelled "FIRSSSSSSTTTT" and made a witty joke but didn't actually say anything about the press release.

Gabe Newell of Valve fame said on his own forum, "Clearly evil, but it uses Steam, so that's okay."

John Romero said on his blog "I'm gunna make Activision my bitch."

Will Wright said, "Hey that sounds like a good idea. Make the gamer create their own content for a video game! I wonder why I never thought of that."

We told Mr. Wright that Activision had locked out user-created content in Modern Warfare 2.

"Well that's just fucking stupid," he responded.

Further reports indicate that the Wii port will be based off of the PC version, and will remove the remaining two textures.

---

Killzone, USA - Today, at approximately 11:15 Eastern Time, the United States was attacked by what initial reports are citing to be a coalition of European countries sick to death of the Xbox 360.

"LOL THE XBOXORZ SUX" read the declaration of war, signed by the European Union yesterday evening. "ONLY XTARDS WOULD PLAY ON DAT STUPIT SYSTEM BLURAY MAKES GAMES BETTUR"

The USA was quick to defend its honor, declaring war upon the Europeans for their heinous allegations against their system of choice.

"SHUT UR MOUTH U FILTHY PS3RS" responded the USA on the popular video game forum, Gamespot's System Wars. "UR BUYIN A CONSOLE THAT HAS ZERO GAMEZ AND THEIR ALL UGLIEZ"

The European Union struck the first blow of the Flame Wars today, attacking the country's west side in a stunning blow against the Redmond area, headquarters of Microsoft and the makers of the Xbox 360. Seventeen bombers flew over the city, laying waste to the factory of the monolithic company. Further reports indicate that the Xbox team has were moved to safer locations before the attack and will be contained until fears have dissipated. The Zune team was lost to the attack.

"Right now," said the United States on System Wars, "nothing, not even the safety of our citizens, is more important than defending our video game console."

Other countries around the world declared their allegiance. Russia has joined the United States on the side of the Xbox, as has India and Canada. Japan, most of South America, and most of Asia have all joined on the side of the Playstation 3. China and Mexico have developed their own faction based around the Nintendo Wii. Australia didn't join any faction, instead saying "PC's are the best, you guys, and you're all a bunch of consoletards."

"We hate nothing more than the PlayStation 3," said the United States. "It leaks malice and hatred. It's smug, good-game-less arrogance is nothing more than a posh, stupid grin on Sony's evil face. It is our duty, as Americans, to purge the world of their corrupting influence."

The PS3 coalition responded "WHTVR LOSER DONT CRY WHEN UR 360 GETS RROD LOL ROFL"

We will continue to offer coverage as the situation unfolds.

---

Where the toilets flush the wrong way, Australia - Valve Software announced today that the state/country/continent/galaxy Australia has officially been signed on as a second developer in the highly anticipated second iteration of the Left 4 Dead series.

"We feel they'll bring a lot to the series," said Valve on their blog this morning. "Actually, no we don't, that was a lie. They just want to censor it, and we thought it would be snarky to ask them to co-develop the game with us. We didn't think they'd actually agree to do so."

Australia's contributions have already numbered in the dozens, according to Valve, with all of the violence in the zombie invasion simulator replaced with a fuzzy, color-filled conglomeration of abundant light, friendship, and meaningful relationships.

"Friends can join together online to run through several levels," said Steve Frezen, head of the Australian Left 4 Dead 2 development team. "Rather than attack the zombies violently, players run up to them and give them a big hug. Rainbows and unicorns shoot from the zombies' mouths as this occurs, and the zombies are morphed from the evil living dead into skipping, substance-free hippies with banjos, tie die shirts and beads."

The ESRB was quick to make an attack on the new Australian creation, citing that the new version of the game was substantially scarier than the old L4D2, and could damage players' brains - notably those in the 18-26 age bracket.

"Some of these kids have never seen a color outside of dark brown in a video game in perhaps ten, maybe twenty years," said Brenda Widgewood, head of the rating staff. "A full blast of happy colors and morale-boosting virtual-character-friendship-bonding gameplay could damage these unstable minds in ways we cannot predict accurately. We think Australia's new additions to the game could make the game a lot scarier than intended, and we cannot condone such actions in these troubled economic times."

She also cited the issue of the Australians replacing the games entire soundtrack and sound effects system with Savage Garden songs, labeling it a unique and cruel level of "Australian music propaganda that borders on gamer maltreatment."

Frezen objected to the ESRB's objections, saying "'I Want You' is one of the best songs ever made, you Savage hating broad."

Left 4 Dead 2: Gardens of Happiness no longer has a definite release date.

---

Consumer First, USA - Today EA announced their brand new Digital Rights Management system that they will be applying to the graphical show-off piece, Midlife Crysis 2.

"WE HAVE MADE THE HUGH BIGGEST HUGH NEW STEP FORWARD IN HUGH P - HUGH - C GAMING," read the bloated and overstuffed press release. "HUH HUH WE FEEL THAT THIS WILL TRUELY HUGH SPARK A REVO - HUGH - LU - HUGH - SION!"

According to our intern who slogged through the dozen-page press release, the DRM scheme EA has announced is two-fold. First off, it will first demand the CD be put inside of the computer tray, and it will then proceed to neutralize the CD drive in any means necessary (usually by hacking Windows and forcing the item in question to overheat). The game will be stuck inside of the useless CD drive and it will not be possible to remove it.

"THERE ARE OTHER BACKUP PLANS FOR KILLING OFF THE HUGH CD," said the press release. "IF NECESSARY, WE HUGH WILL ACTUALLY DIRECT THE USER TO SHAKE THE COMPUTER UP AND DOWN HUGH. SHAKE IT LIKE A HUGH POLEROID PICTURE!"

The second part of this scheme is to require the user to purchase two large mechanical claws. They are USB powered, and will come in a desktop or laptop variety. They will cost $170 each, and two will be required for every EA game in the future. They will grasp the user by whatever means necessary at all times, and if the claws detect a piracy measure they will proceed to choke, burn, attack, maul, slice, beat, whack, bump, bruise, bleed, blast, punch, kick, strangle, mangle, whip, rip, pull, push, stab, shank, whack, bang and knock the victim senseless.

We attempted to contact an EA representative for comment.

"WE ARE HUGH VERY HUGH PLEASED WITH OUR NEW TECHNOLOGIES!" yelled a spokesperson into our ears.

We asked for someone would could talk faster than a single word per minute, and we were directed to EA's president, Frank Gibeau.

"Oh, man, stay out of this business," muttered Gibeau under his breath without provocation. "If your blog dies, you better hope and pray you don't get snatched up by a video game publisher. I dear lordy me, things are not fansuperical around these parts. No, no they are not. I'm surrounded by idiots. I really am."

Gibeau proceeded to mutter until we asked about the DRM scheme, to which he said, "Ah, yes, our new DRM. We are very pleased with our new fansuperical technologies. Now we can proceed to punish the pirates in whatever means necessary! This can include the regular consumers, but hey, being beaten to a massive bloody pulp will simply further the user's enjoyment of Crysis 2! I guarantee the game will be fansuperical."

We told him that fansuperical was not a word.

"The Illuminati told you to say that, didn't they? DIDN'T THEY?!" Gibeau screamed into the phone, and hung up.

We called EA again but requested to not be sent to Gibeau. They sent us instead to Rod Humble, executive vice president, who was taking a break.

"Oh, yeah, he does that," said Humble over the sound of his lunch. "He played Deus Ex a few weeks ago and it was like a spiritual awakening for him. He runs around yelling 'fnord fnord fnord!' at everyone. Sometimes when he's walking in the hallway someone will be like, 'oh no JC a bomb!' and he's all like, 'a bomb?!' He starts running around frantically. It's pretty fansuperical."

No release date has been set for Crysis 2.

---

Lawtown, SueSA - Dynamic video game publisher Edge has continued its crusade against anyone who uses the name of their business in a context that is remotely connected to video games today by filing a lengthy list of attacks and alligations.

Here is a short summary of the legal documents:

-EA's Mirror's Edge for the name.

-Lucas Arts' Star Wars: the Force Unleashed for being in the same universe that had a character named Wedge, which has the word "Edge" inside of it.

-Sony's Uncharted 2 for all of the edges that the main character, Nathon Drake, hangs off of.

-Nintendo's GameCube because it's a cube, which has edges.

-Popcap's Peggle Deluxe, because letters in the name can be rearranged to spell "Edge."

-This blog, because Edge preemptively knew that we would make an "edge" pun in the title.

There was also a note at the very bottom for the various legal documents, scribbled in a nearly unreadable scrawl that says, "We'll also go after that stupid Wolfenstein game because it was so bad. Damn them for making me pay money for such a piece of crap!"

We contacted Edge for further comment, but all we received was an audio recording played on repeat.

"You're momma's so fat that she got sued by Edge because people thought that it had something to do with Fat Princess," said the recording. "I mean, seriously, people. Did you think we were raised on Muzzy tapes or something? We can see through your trademark mongering and literary foolishness. Prepare to die! And yes, Fat Princess has edges in it. We haven't found them yet, but we will soon."

We contacted several of the developers and publishers to ask for comments on Edge's accusations.

EA's representative screamed into the phone, "BEEEEEEAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNSSSSS!"

Lucas Arts yelled "It's a trap!" and slammed the phone down.

Sony scoffed and said, "This phone call does EVERYTHING, you know. I mean, high resolution phone calling! I won't answer your question, but I will repeat it back to you in high definition phone calling! It's the press relations of the future! Unique experience! Go buy a PS3!"

Nintendo laughed for several minutes.

Popcap said, after we told them about Edge's phone recording, "Does Muzzy actually have an English learning tape set? I thought it was all French or something."

This blog was unable for contact as we went to press.

---

Mushroom Kingdom, Japan - Late this afternoon, the video game manufacturer Nintendo Inc. distributed a press release to the various news outlets stating nothing in particular.

"We're pleased to announce that we are the kings of the world," stated the press release. "Kings! Do you hear me? Can I get a wut wut!"

Nintendo claims, after we contacted their representatives, that this unrequested celebration came from their stunning success in the video game industry, most notably in the success of their Nintendo Wii console.

"I mean, hell," said the representative through a substance-induced stupor, "we've sold more Wiis in five years than Microsoft and Sony have sold systems combined. And not just over the past five years - forever. A hundred and seventy bazillion consoles? I mean, Microsoft and Sony? They have, like, what, ten consoles sold? Maybe? And a fourth of those were Red Ringed 360's, I'll have you know."

Sony and Microsoft were quick on the bit, sending out several press releases that indeed looked rather similar in structure. Microsoft's press release in particular had every "Nintendo" crossed out in red pen and replaced with "Microsoft," while in the margins of the paper drawing stick people in various poses. Meanwhile, Sony chose to write their own.

"This press release does EVERYTHING," said Sony's press release's introduction, which is the only part of the press release included in the mailings sent to news sites. "I mean, this press release, it does words, it does paper, it does white and black, it can even output to high resolution so high that it's like, you know, real life! Hell, you can even crumple this up and stuff it down someone's throat and kill them. You know, like Nicholas Cage sort of stuff. Bam."

Nintendo had no comment on its competitors' press releases aside from uncontrollable, maniacal laughter coupled with a loud, boisterous singing "It's like raaa-iiii-iin on your wedding day!"

Your hazard suit should keep you comfortable for all of this. Aside from the acid, bullets, lasers, and rockets.

2009-11-22T16:20:00.001-08:00

Half-Life

I was walking down King's Street at about seven o' clock when it hit me like a pound of stuff headcrab carcasses. It was this overwhelming sense of place. I could have never guessed that I would be standing here, of all places and times, a month ago. So out of the ordinary, and yet, so dark, magical, and inviting. I had become accustomed to the changing world around me, so when the disillusion broke, it was like falling in love with life all over again.

Half-Life on the PlayStation 2 is a lot like this. I played Half-Life to the exclusion of anything else a few years ago because, hell, what else was there to play? No other game made you feel like you were in a space that wasn't designed for your immediate pleasure, or at least no other game that would run on my computer. Ignore the fact that it was designed, very carefully, by some of the best developers in the industry - Half-Life feels from top to bottom like a place. A random string of occurrences leads to the most random situations that are completely believable (well, aside from Gordon Freeman's amazing main-character-never-dies superpowers) but you would never guess that you would face such furies from the game's unassuming boxart. Maybe you could guess that you'd blow up a helicopter or two (which you do, and it's awesome), but you'd never fathom traveling to an alien planet and freeing an entire civilization from evolution's sick sense of humor.

Much like Metroid Prime, Half-Life manages to pull off the feeling that something is indeed alien and in some cases wrong, but also majestic and beautiful. The different species of alien predators that stalk Black Mesa's halls are not just intricate and interesting, but dangerous as well. The alien world of Xen, while featuring some of the worst gameplay of the series thus far, looks, sounds, and feels like something so bizarre it's hard not to give kudos to Valve for at least nailing the architecture. Black Mesa itself is a lab that nails the "I got attacked by aliens" moniker so tactfully that I'm wondering why there hasn't been an Oscar for Best Landscape Performance yet.

The PlayStation 2's excellent port simply allows the game to live a second life in my hands. Half-Life's pivotal disaster seems just as urgent and spontaneous as it did back on my old CRT monitor back in 2002, except that the slightly updated visuals and my new high definition widescreen television just add to the spectacle. Perhaps this simply speaks to how well the entire experience holds up, but hell, if a game can manage to still surprise me this many times and I've already beaten it twice, that's saying something.

The gameplay continues to be unforgiving, so the God mode is all too essential for those (like me) who can't manage to beat the game's nearly impossible combat situations later on. The first person jumping puzzles were a bad idea to start with, but they're part of Half-Life, for better or for worse. they don't translate well to a controller, but then again, they weren't all that excellent on a keyboard and mouse. The game's not perfect, but looking back to 1998, Half-Life has held up much better than its peers, so I'm not complaining too loudly.

In the end, the series' iconic mute begins his glorious adventure that spurred the equally extraordinary Half-Lifed 2 story arc. But here, the beginning is just as important as the end. Half-Life is an excellent game, and the PlayStation 2 port is flawless; it's one of the best on the console, bar none.

I will not review MGS.

2009-11-22T16:18:00.002-08:00

Metal Gear Solid

I'm out of my league.

There are several good reasons why I shouldn't review Metal Gear Solid. For one, it's dated. I didn't play the game back when Kojima released his brilliance onto the population and man and women cried, deer jumped off of cliffs, fireworks dazzled the populace and Solid Snake went on talking to his buddies via codec for another hour. It's just not the same to play it in 2009, where a lot of what Metal Gear Solid did, well, isn't quite "expected," but has assimilated into the rest of the gaming industry.

Aside from Final Fantasy VII, Metal Gear Solid is the only PlayStation 1 game I've ever played, so it's absolutely fascinating to see how the game is completed and pulled off in the fashion that it is with such limited hardware. The PlayStation 1 is barely able to handle Metal Gear Solid's complex and detailed 3D graphics (for the time, of course). But the game plays off of the platform's strengths and twists itself around what could have been staggering blows to the game's success.

The game plays, looks and acts like a video game cartoon - almost a comic book, if you will. Very little emphasis is put on the block-shaped, fuzzy 3D actors on screen. They pose and they strut and they do their part, but the game's voice acting is why Metal Gear Solid works. The PlayStation 1 did one big thing better than the Nintendo 64, and that was the CD drive. Solid uses this, packing more dialogue into codec conversations than in the first three Harry Potter novels combined. Rather than concentrate on the graphics (which are great, for what they accomplish) Konami went ahead and made the audio a key element to explaining Metal Gear Solid's unique, fresh, and completely inane world.

The focal point here is that I'm never going to be able to fully appreciate any of this. I was thrown into gaming in the Nintendo 64 era, and I've solidified this in the Gamecube/Xbox/PlayStation 2 era. I cannot go back to the mindset of a gamer I never was. I can never understand how cool it was to have a boss make my controller move across the floor. I can never comprehend how intense it was to battle with a sniper for the first time. I'll never realise how mind blowing it was to see FMV footage in the middle of a conversation. Everything that Metal Gear Solid's presentation and gameplay accomplished was later stolen by nearly every action and shooter game after it. In a lot of ways, Metal Gear Solid does everything better, and it's a hell of a lot of fun, but as it stands, I'll never be able to know any of this.

Which leads me to the second reason why I should never review Metal Gear Solid: I don't understand a lick of it. I liked the story and comprehended it as well as I could, but chances are if you asked me what happened in Solid, I'd say, "What?" That's what the game was like for me. It was confusing, conflicting, and bizarre as hell.

And I loved every second of it.

This is usually, if I did write a review of Metal Gear Solid, where I would discuss the psychology of the issue. Why don't I understand Solid? Where does this come in to play with my overall impression of the game? But see, here's the thing - I've got nothing. I've never had a game come to me like this and blow me away as culturally as Metal Gear Solid did. Some games have come close (Deus Ex or Fallout, for example) but Solid's random and unexpected nature is so out of the ordinary I have absolutely nothing to compare it to. I'd grasp at straws, saying that this or that emotion was similar to a game I sort of remember playing in the 90's (but probably never did actually play) but Solid's originality makes it a tough hole to peg.

Is its bizarre sense of logic a good thing? It depends on a lot of factors. For me, the game's originality makes it stand out, even today. The gameplay is fun, the sound is spectacular, and the graphics are amazing for the era, but the game's nonsense is the main reason why I like it so much. There is no other game in the industry that would dare let a conversation between two characters get longer than half-an-hour, discussing such boring, useless exposition. On one hand, I appreciate explorations of the medium, and while on the other I wonder if a half-an-hour conversation is really necessary. So, notable? Yes. Successful? That I'm undecided about, and I probably won't ever make up my mind.

And this is the final reason why I'll never write a review on Metal Gear Solid. Most games, if you peel back the emotion and look at what a game makes you feel, in pure, unburdened terms, there's usually something to discuss. Far Cry is a pure sense of joy, as well as a thirst for exploration and experimentation. Half-Life 2 series has always made my eyes open wide in horror, wonder, sadness and happiness.

And Solid, well, I don't know what the hell Solid makes me think. I know I liked it, and I know it was a damn good game, but as a pure emotional experience, it was something so alien unflattering and raw, something so different and unique, something praiseworthy and unignorable.

Something, most of all, different.

Different is really lacking in games these days, Unfortunately, when different does appear, and in such a condensed form such as this, that makes it that much harder to review. So I won't be reviewing this game, and I'd like you to have a nice day.

It's an ADVENTURE!

2009-11-22T16:14:00.001-08:00

Dragon Quest VIII

Did I just say a few days ago that all of these new games coming out these days are like the old games? Yeah, I did. Grand Theft Auto is still Grand Theft Auto, which is still like Crackdown, which is still like the other Grand Theft Auto (you know, the top down ones that nobody actively likes). Or Resistance, which is like Half-Life 2, which is like Half-Life, which is like Quake, which is like Doom, which is like whatever John Carmack was doing before he started making games. They haven't changed much, aside from the cursory glance at prettier graphics, sprawling cultures and what most people call "accessibility," which really just amounts to telling the player which button to press so that they can skip reading the instruction booklet.

It's time to backpedal frantically and sweat for a minute into the microphone as if I just made a nasty joke and nobody laughed at it. Uh, hi, you guys, what's going on? Heh, what's up with that weather, huh? I mean, is it going to rain or snow or what...

The problem is that Dragon Quest VIII is exactly like the rest of the series, aside from a Dragonball Z-esque visual makeover that turns a pixel-created world into an animated one. Few game series have changed as little as Dragon Quest - while the Final Fantasy series has gone between hardcore-yet-simple RPG and mildly interactive soap opera for years now, swapping the two back and forth as if they're going out of style, Dragon Quest has kept it simple, offering the same adventure it offered back on the original Nintendo. The problem is that this is precisely why I love the game so much.

Fans of the classic Final Fantasy games (you know, like FF1, 2 and 3 on the original Nintendo, plus whatever they were trying to do with 9 and parts of 12) will fall in love with Dragon Quest's remarkably unremarkable gameplay, noting how smooth everything feels. With Dragon Quest's lack of innovation comes polish, refinement, and a sense that the game knows exactly what it does well, and pulls it off with thunderous aplomb. This makes Dragon Quest VIII a truly decisive game - if you didn't like the series before, you're not going to like it now.

The improvements over the series' past games have proved to be quite spectacular in a queit, unassuming way that comes when you'd least expect it. Dragon Quest VIII uses the PlayStation 2's considerable power (compared to the other console hosts DQ has be greeted by) to create a world so finely crafted and well produced it almost feels like they cheated and actually made the Playstation 2 run better than it's supposed to. Every minute monster is carefully animated down to its dying breath, and some are so well done that they look like expressive characters on a Saturday morning anime show. Additionally, the game's astounding, jaw dropping draw distance allows the player to get the lay of the land from high vantage points, with visuals that are sure to bring any gamer to their knees.

This is all auxiliary additions to a gameplay blueprint that feels fresh, even today. the turn based combat, while simple, is still as strategic and fun as it used to be, and VIII keeps the pace fast for minimal grind bruises. Yes, there is a bit of a grind in this game, but every area offers so many places to explore it will seem natural to wander off the beaten path in the search for hidden treasure chests and extra experience points. The game's pace is thoughtful, and almost zen like, and while the story seems to want to clip off into the sunset, the actual mood is quite mellow and relaxing.

Dragon Quest VIII may not make a fan out of you, but certainly, if you like the classic console RPG genre, you'll find no better adaption. This is the best it gets, and in the realm of the PS2, it's one of the better games around.